Why I Hate... Sequels And Remakes

"Enough is enough! I have had it with these motherfucking sequels on my motherfucking movie screens!" Sequels suck. Almost as much as remakes. Or, as they're known these days, "reimaginings." Or, in other words, "Taking all the good bits out and inserting CGI bees."

Sequels are, for the most part, unoriginal, often boring, loud, violent, CGI spatter-fests with dick jokes and 'guest stars' and all the sophistication of a jackhammer to the testicles. Remakes, are much the same, but with 50% extra added rappers as comedy sidekicks - FREE! I'm bored of my cineplex, where all I see is remakes and sequels. When I finally do venture out, everything on show I saw years ago with a slightly different rock-rap tie-in soundtrack. In the olden days they would actually build a bendy bridge and drive a car off it. These days not only would the car be fake, the bridge would be CGI too. Nothing would be real, and it's hard to invest emotionally in pixels, no matter how pretty they are.

Where are the ideas, Hollywood? Where's anything that even vaguely resembles originality? You don't care about new franchises, about new ideas, about anything that people might actually want to watch for that matter. Bums on seats eating popcorn, that's what all it's about - and you wonder why nobody goes to the movies anymore. There's no new myths, no new heroes. Just tired, and ageing protagonists that only serve to remind us of how good things used to be. Sequels are the very definition of diminishing returns - they remind us of how good things used to be, and, conversely, how crappy things now are.

Come on. Rocky 6? Rambo IV? Ocean's 13? How much longer is it until they CGI resurrect Marilyn Monroe for Some People Still Like It Hot - this time about people 'blacking up' to evade detection, with no doubt hilarious consequences? (Even that would be a rip-off of White Chicks.) Sequels are bullshit, and very few of them are even comparable to the originals. Batman And Robin? I guess I missed the meeting where we decided the Dark Knight liked cock. Lethal Weapon 4? Please - the film didn't even have a plot when they started shooting it. Alien Resurrection? It's a sequel so bad, the makers even admit on the DVD that it was inspired by money. Even the best filmmakers are guilty of retreading shit through the cinematic corridors of greatness: after watching Tim Burton's 're-imagining' of Planet Of The Apes, I spent my evening 're-imagining' how I'd like to shove a orang-u-tan sideways up his damn dirty arse. "I'm going to get my chimp," indeed.

For every Godfather II, there's an Alien Vs. Predator, a Mission To Moscow, an Escape From LA, a Phantom Menace, a Final Frontier, a Blues Brothers 2000. For every Twelve Monkeys, there's the Sly-fronted Get Carter, the bitch-infested Wicker Man, the Ryan Reynolds-infested Amityville Horror. For every good film, there's several pieces of boring, workmanlike cinematic graffiti; dreck that does nothing but debase and abuse the original. It's easier and lazier to remake something that was successful a while ago. It's easier to get the same stars, pay them more money, throw less money at a plot, and chuck in some CGI beasties and explosions. Add a '2' after the title, and convince people it's a new film. It's business, sure, but people don't pay their £6.80 for a ticket to see the studios coffers swell even more.

A sequel is just a remake - the same old lines, the same visual cues, the jokes and clichés. After all, who did they call to write the first script for The Spy Who Loved Me? Anthony Burgess, on the basis of his book, Tremor Of Intent - a novel that was intended to savage the vacuous Bond franchise to its inevitable doom. In Bond, parody is taken seriously. You can get in your invisible car and fuck right off, thank you. Sequels are shit, and remakes are boring. The world is full of brilliant, and original ideas that nobody has ever seen before. Come on Cinema, take us to the final frontier! I'm bored of pensioners with arms like balloons blowing up animated tanks and CGI soldiers. Let's face it, nobody really wants to see Indiana Jones and the Hip Replacement of Doom, right?