Why vampires should bite, not suck


26th November 2009

The Rice is wrong
I can pinpoint the exact moment this sea-change occurred, the precise moment in horror history that vampires turned into guyliner-wearing prissy fairies. Anne Rice. She's responsible for neutering vampires and offering the limp-wristed crying pantywaist My Chemical Romance pussies instead of the snarling voracious killers we know and love.

Interview With The Vampire was pissing awful. You know when the nastiest vampire being offered is Tom Cruise that something is amiss. And his foil? His ally in eternal vampirism? Brad Pitt as the sobbing man-bitch Louis, a doe-eyed miserable long-haired crying woman of a vampire.

Well hellooooooo

It's a pretty sobering achievement to be able to reduce 150 years of vampires being awesome, emotionless killers to whiny, sobbing, hippy metrosexuals that wear frilly shirts and cry about how lonely they are.

I mean Jesus Christ, a 12 year-old girl vampire in Let The Right One In has more balls than any of Rice's offerings. Eli doesn't sob. Eli doesn't sit for hours talking to a fucking author about how hard it all is. She's not happy about what she has to do, but she gets on with it and annihilates anybody who threatens her existence and she doesn't stare longingly into the distance at any single moment.

Remember Near Dark, which had vampires that just enjoyed being vampires and messing around with their dinner. Remember 30 Days of Night, with feral, angry bastard vampires who come for a month-long all-you-can-eat buffet. Anything, just anything is better than the Twilight nonsense being offered to effete teens around the world at the moment.

Teenage pricks
Are you a tortured miserable teen girl who is confused by her burgeoning sexuality and convinced, as all other teenagers are, that the world is rubbish and nothing is worth doing? Welcome to puberty. Collect Nightmare Before Christmas figurines, write shitty poetry on your MySpace page about "how u cant judge me", listen to The Cure/The Smiths. Just leave vampires alone, they are not for you.

Bram Stoker didn't sit around in his room thinking "I'll create a monster so cold and heartless, so evil and corrupt that in many years from now somebody can create vegetarian sparkly vampires with clumsy allegory about emotions." No.

If you must, if you absolutely have to immerse yourself in vampire fiction then stick to Anne Rice books and Most Haunted DVD boxsets. Do not dilute and gay-up one of the best fictional monster genres because you think the pasty-faced fuckclown looks hot in the poster/movie.

Stay off the internet, stay out of the Teenage Fiction section of Waterstones and just stay at home frantically masturbating to Edward Scissorhands whilst crying about how nobody understands you.

Vampires are not for you. Bridget Jones is.

Follow us on Twitter @The_Shiznit for more fun features, film reviews and occasional commentary on what the best type of crisps are.
We are using Patreon to cover our hosting fees. So please consider chucking a few digital pennies our way by clicking on this link. Thanks!

Share This