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Review: Patriots Day

Posted by Matt Looker at 07:00 on 02 Mar 2017
Patriots Day
How soon is too soon? Is it when the real-life victims of a tragedy are still raw from the experience? Is it when artistic licence just isn't appropriate for events that are still fresh in everyone’s minds? Is it when unseemly facts about those involved might detract from their otherwise brave and heroic actions? Or is it when - as is the case here - overcompensating for all of the above results in muddled, mawkish melodrama?

30 other Oscar slip-ups on the night that nobody noticed

Posted by Ali Gray, Matt Looker, Becky Suter, Ed Williamson at 22:30 on 28 Feb 2017
30 other Oscar slip-ups on the night that nobody noticed
The usually prestigious Academy Awards were reduced to farce earlier this week, when the wrong envelope was given to presenters Warren Beatty and Faye Dunaway, who mistakenly announced the wrong movie as Best Picture. This titanic clusterfuck actually did the Oscars a favour, drawing attention away from these other 30 goofs that all happened on the night.

Review: A Cure For Wellness

Posted by Ali Gray at 17:30 on 21 Feb 2017
A Cure For Wellness
A while back, I used the pun 'Shitter Island' to describe John Carpenter's horror comeback The Ward during a Halloween liveblog. As with all my puns, I reserve the right to reuse them whenever I want, so I'm recycling this one in honour of Gore Verbinski's A Cure For Wellness, another cliched asylum-based horror thriller. More like Shitter Island, right guys? Haha, good one Ali.

Republican still fine-tuning metaphor that likens Trump administration to plot of Beauty & The Beast

Posted by Ali Gray at 22:00 on 19 Feb 2017
Republican still fine-tuning metaphor that likens Trump administration to plot of Beauty & The Beast
A Donald Trump fan is continuing to work on a metaphor in which he compares the Trump administration to the plot of the popular Disney movie Beauty And The Beast, although he admits he "hasn't quite nailed all the moving pieces just yet".

If 2017's Oscar-nominated movie posters told the truth

Posted by Ali Gray, Matt Looker, Neil Alcock, Becky Suter, Ed Williamson at 11:30 on 24 Jan 2017
If 2017's Oscar-nominated movie posters told the truth
The mainstream media is full of fake news. Hollywood is full of failing celebs, who don't even know me. If the big movies this Oscar season, which I hear are very overrated, told the truth, they'd look like this. Sad!

Review: Sing

Posted by Matt Looker at 22:00 on 24 Jan 2017
Sing
I can't tell you how long I have been waiting to take my two-year-old son on his first trip to the cinema. Well, actually, I suppose I can. It's been two years. Obviously. But that wait finally came to an end with this movie, one which I thought might be an appropriate introduction to the big screen for him because a) it's about singing cartoon characters, and b) it wasn't written by Seth Rogen. Of course, I was still fully prepared for failure. Expecting a toddler to stay still and quiet in a chair surrounded by strangers for nearly two hours? Surely impossible. And yet, that's exactly what he did, while fixated on the movie. So whatever I say in this review from now on, know that my son – easily closer in age to the target demographic than I – rates it 10 out of 10 choo-choo trains or whatever.

Review: xXx: Return Of Xander Cage

Posted by Ali Gray at 23:00 on 19 Jan 2017
xXx: Return Of Xander Cage
One of my New Year's Resolutions for 2017 was to watch more movies I wouldn't normally watch, with the intent of broadening my cinematic horizons. Little did I know, the first invite to plop into my inbox would be for xXx: Return Of Xander Cage, an action movie so extreme that it doesn't even have the time to include the definitive article in its title. I have never walked out of a movie, but the closest I've ever come is during the first xXx in 2002, around about the time Vin Diesel's buff Generation X-er snowboarded down an avalanche on a tea tray. I assumed that in his absence, Cage had been hitting the books, ready to return older, wiser and woke. But then the movie opened with xXx jumping off a TV transmitter and skiing through a jungle, so I guess I'll be putting off the broadening of my cinematic horizons until another day.

Review: Split

Posted by Ali Gray at 22:45 on 19 Jan 2017
Split
Some actors go their whole lives without being offered a role as tasty as James McAvoy's character in Split. You've heard of roles being described as "scenery chewing"? In Split, M Night Shyamalan basically builds his sets out of beef jerky and invites McAvoy to tuck in. It's full-on Willy Wonka. As kidnapper Kevin who suffers from dissociative identity disorder (multiple personalities to you, me and I), McAvoy effectively has free reign of a buffet comprised of equal parts cheese, ham and bananas.

Review: La La Land

Posted by Matt Looker at 08:00 on 12 Jan 2017
La La Land
Please let's not ruin this. We have a great thing here: La La Land is the rare kind of spellbinding, wonderful film that has reviewers like me tripping over themselves to find new superlatives for describing it. It's simply flawless. But that means that there'll be an unholy inclination by some #hot-takers to put it down; to chip away at the film's perfect sheen just to say something "interesting". But can we just not, this time? Can't we just have this one? Don't we deserve to enjoy something this sweet and pure and lovely just for once? It certainly feels like it's been a while.

101 reasons 2016 wasn't quite as shit as we all thought it was

Posted by Ali Gray, Matt Looker, Becky Suter, Ed Williamson, Rob Young at 20:00 on 30 Dec 2016
101 reasons 2016 wasn't quite as shit as we all thought it was
It's almost over. You almost made it through. You survived 2016. You deserve a medal, but that medal would probably strangle you. We can all focus ahead now on 2017, a year which cannot feasibly be any worse than the 12 months that came before it, at least until that new Keith Lemon & Paddy McGuinness TV show airs on ITV. But le...
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