People think the Oscars marks the end of awards season in Hollywood, but people are stupid and ugly and wrong and old, because the MTV Movie Awards happened over the weekend and it sure looked like they were giving out awards to me. With Selma actor David Oyelowo suffering more heartbreak with defeat at the hands of The Maze Runner's Dylan O'Brien and Jennifer Lopez triumphing in the 'Best Scared As Shit Performance' category, it was an evening of high tension and very serious drama. Join us as we expose a leaked document that reveals the categories already selected for next year's 2016 Movie Awards, hosted by, I don't know, Drake or something.
I mean, apart from the fact that Arnold Schwarzenegger's character absolutely has to appear in all of them and he will at some point, without fail, sustain an injury that destroys half his face exposing one iconic red eye. Apart from that, it's a totally new concept. (*waits for 'Hasta la Vista' scene*)
"Hey girl, I made a surreal scary nonsense film because I’m a tortured, sensitive artist. Want to watch it with me? I think you’ll like it. It’s got loads of symbolism about, like, women and sex and monsters and theatre and street lighting. And there’s funny dancing in it. And lots of fake blood. And fire. And lots of bright colours. And a scene where Doctor Who cuts off someone’s lips with a pair of scissors. Want it see it, girl? Hey girl. Hey. HEY. Aww." (*Looks into the distance with sad, longing eyes while lifting up t-shirt to reveal chiselled abs*)
The sight of a middle-aged man in a trilby is hard to bear. Particularly when it isn't accompanied by what you judge to be any other changes in his regular attire: just a single hat, borne as a standard on the scalp, saying, Will this do? Am I cool again? The cycle of youth makes us all obsolete sooner or later, and it's hard to accept. And while there's a dignity to aspire to in Don Draper, defiantly immaculate in sports jacket and tie at a party full of hippies, can you blame a man for wanting to get back what he had when he can't pinpoint when he lost it?
Fast & Furious 7 [car verb]s its way into cinemas this week, meaning movie sites are rolling out their bi-annual Fast & Furious feature ideas. Rather than a highly subjective ranking of all seven Fast & Furious movies in order of their perceived quality, which is entirely dependant on the individual taste of the author, we thought we'd try something a little less arbitrary. So, we present to you, our ranking of the seven Fast & Furious movies based on the order in which they were released. There's precisely zero room for debate. Strap yourselves in!
The first trailer for Spectre is finally here and it shows Bond facing his toughest mission yet: sorting through his loft, getting startled by two birds and then attending a board meeting. But look closer and you'll also see some cleverly hidden Easter eggs referencing Bond films of the past. Even the shit ones!
For the first time since its inception in 2001, the Fast & Furious franchise was forced to hit the brakes. The unfortunate – but avoidable – death of Paul Walker in an automobile accident in November 2013 meant production on Part 7 skidded to a halt. Now, one year on from its planned release, Furious 7 rides into town after a respectful re-pimping – the muted colours on the poster suggests a star-studded funeral procession, but in actual fact, the latest instalment of The Franchise That Couldn't Slow Down is business as usual: cars, explosions, pecs (men), gussets (women), crap jokes and the most flagrant disrespect for physics since Sir Isaac Newton's naysayers suggested he stick his apple up his arse. You wouldn't call it a fitting tribute to Walker – I'm pretty sure the last thing his family needs to see is 250 cars exploding into fireballs – but you suspect it's what he, the fans and the studio would have wanted. So here we are. Amber turned to green. Let's go.