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  • Jambo still in things

    TV News | Ed Williamson | 10th February 2016

    Jambo is still in things, a promotional picture for Line of Duty season three has confirmed.

    Kurt Benson was believed not to be in things as we went to press.

    A spokesperson for Bazz FM said her client was unavailable for comment, leading to speculation that Bazz FM might be in things again soon, possibly a Taggart reboot.

  • Men sit at table in tantalising first-look House of Cards image

    TV News | Ed Williamson | 2nd February 2016

    Breaking new ground as ever, Netflix has today released this first look at House of Cards season four, confirming that all 13 episodes will consist of President Underwood talking to RoboCop at a table. The sixth will consist entirely of Frank's acerbic asides to camera, such as "Get a load of this bell-end!" It will then be all anyone talks about for a week because it's on Netflix.

  • Star Wars IX to be filmed "a long time ago" and "in a galaxy far, far away"

    Movie News | Matt Looker | 1st February 2016

    Following on from director Colin Trevorrow's recent revelation that he wants to film Star Wars Episode IX "in space", he has also just announced that he plans to make the film "a long time ago" and "in a galaxy far, far away" making it unclear at the moment whether or not he can tell the difference between reality and fiction.

  • Sixth-former wins competition to name Jesse Owens biopic

    Movie News | Ed Williamson | 27th November 2015

    "Because it's about a race, like running, yeah?" explained 17-year-old politics student Hugo Potench, smoking in that slightly nervous way that you can definitely tell means he doesn't enjoy it. "But it's also about RACE. Like, what happens to black people. Yeah?

    "Yeah?"

  • Cumberbatch to seek less innuendo-friendly stage role

    TV News | Ed Williamson | 11th August 2015

    Benedict Cumberbatch has today announced that the potential for innuendo around his Hamlet has made the role untenable.

  • War Pigs unlikely to pass Bechdel test

    Movie News | Ed Williamson | 6th August 2015

    That is unless 'Temptress' REALLY feminisms the shit out of it.

  • Noel Edmonds knows secrets of existence, is still game-show host

    TV News | Ed Williamson | 5th August 2015

    Noel Edmonds has revealed in an interview with the Daily Mirror that human beings do not in fact die, and are composed only of energy. The corporeal form is merely a host for this energy, which becomes "part of a massive, incomprehensible universal web of energy" on its expiration.

    "There isn't such a thing as death, it's just departure," he confirmed. "You cannot die. It's been known for a very long time."

    Meanwhile, sufferers worldwide breathed a sigh of relief as Edmonds assured them that Aids is not a problem at all.

    "
    "
    The biggest problem we have is not Ebola, it's not Aids, it's electro smog.

    The Wi-Fi and all of the systems that we are introducing into our lives are destroying our own natural electro-magnetic fields. All you are is energy, remember that.
    In full knowledge of the secrets of the cosmos and the meaning of existence, Edmonds continues to present a game show in which contestants open a series of red boxes.

  • Southpaw ad saved by last-minute reference to other boxing movie

    Movie News | Ed Williamson | 16th July 2015

    Upcoming Jake Gyllenhaal film Southpaw has been saved from obscurity at the eleventh hour by a journalist's agreement to be quoted comparing it to another boxing movie.

  • Hannibal season four episode titles revealed

    TV News | Ed Williamson | 21st June 2015

    1. Waffles
    2. A Pasty from the Garage
    3. Ham Bap
    4. Zinger Tower Meal
    5. Prawn Ring
    6. Rib 'n' Saucy Nik-Naks
    7. Big Dairy Milk on Offer in Smiths
    8. Olympic Breakfast
    9. Chips
    10. Crunch Corner
    11. Had Some of That Beef Left Over So Just Did That with Some Spuds
    12. Quavers
    13. Kinder Bueno

  • James May to be switched off

    TV News | Ed Williamson | 19th June 2015

    With the already-tenuous purpose of James May now defunct, he is to be unplugged and put away in a box in the attic.

    The news came as Top Gear announced that auditions for its presenting roles alongside new host Chris Evans were open to literally everyone but May.

    "What is he
    for?" pondered BBC Director-General Tony Hall in a statement. "I suppose you could keep him in the kitchen and use his fingers as a mug tree. Or he could double as a keep-left sign if he could remember to point to the left."

    "I don't even have a car," confirmed May, making himself comfortable between the artificial Christmas tree and a big box of Duplo.