Apprentice candidates announced – new heights of douchebaggery

Ed Williamson

4th May 2011

One day I'll snap à la Michael Douglas in Falling Down, and it'll probably be because someone at work invites me to 'blue-sky' something.

Where The Apprentice has always succeeded is in reminding you that you could work in the same office as one of its contestants - a prospect so grim you should drop to your knees and thank Christ for the £22,000 a year you get for moving numbers from spreadsheet to spreadsheet all day just because you don't have to sit and listen to someone make endless overconfident sales calls with a Bluetooth headset even though they could just as easily PUT THE FUCKING PHONE TO THEIR EAR.

And whaddya know, if the audition videos are anything to go by, many of the contestants this year are indeed brash, convinced of their own brilliance, and prime candidates for that look of utter incredulity that Nick Hewer always pulls. It's almost as if the show has some sort of selection criteria.


His career is listed as 'Sales Manager - Telecoms Software' on the BBC microsite - which basically means he works at Carphone Warehouse, even though he looks like Zorro kitted out by River Island. According to this audition video, he has "an unprecedented amount of business acumen". Which is a coincidence, because I think he has an unprecedented amount of business TWAT-umen. (© Meaningless But Effective Playground Insults Ltd, 1987.)

Eeeee, I'm reet brassy, me. I speaks me mind at all times, and if tha doesn't like it, that's thee's problem. Pulled meself up from t'gutter by t'bootstraps I did, and anyone that didn't is a pansy.

"Why would an Eskimo buy ice?" Leon points out. Well Leon, perhaps he might because, by the year 2050, your breed of collar-popping, Rugby-shirted hoorays have emitted so much greenhouse gas by driving their Range Rovers the five minutes down to Waitrose for a pint of milk rather than walking that the polar icecaps have melted, leaving him homeless and forced to pay through the nose for it.

Whoa, whoa, whoa, hold the phone there, missy. Not content with actually seeming quite pleasant, bubbly and self-effacing, you're spouting all this nonsense about taking other people's views into account? Have you run mad, woman? No good can come of this! I give it a week before the other women are describing you to camera as 'timid' while they show you how you should behave, by subjecting passers-by to what amounts to a mild physical assault in a bid to sell them one of a job-lot of fire-damaged hamster wheels.
Don't say you weren't warned.

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