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Battlefield Earth writer blames "suckiest movie ever" on his dong

Ali

29th March 2010

John Travolta thought it was going to be "the Schindler's List of sci-fi". That's offensive in more ways than there are numbers.

Sandra Bullock's Razzie win for All About Steve overshadowed what should have been a momentous occasion earlier this month, when Battlefield Earth was named the worst movie of the decade by members of the Golden Raspberries. If you've never seen it before, here's a highlights reel. Note that it's only just over a minute long.

Anyhoo, Battlefield Earth's screenwriter JD Shapiro has written a letter in the New York Post basically apologising for his part in the "suckiest movie ever". There's also an interesting story that comes with it, choice quotes from which you'll see below. It's worth reading the whole thing.

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"It wasn't as I intended -- promise. No one sets out to make a train wreck. Actually, comparing it to a train wreck isn't really fair to train wrecks, because people actually want to watch those."
Shapiro claimed he visited the Scientology Celebrity Centre in LA to try and get laid. After schmoozing various level Thetans, he was introduced to some Scientologists with real pull.

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"Eventually, I had dinner with John Travolta, his wife Kelly Preston, Karen -- about 10 Scientologists in all. John asked me, "So, J.D., what brought you to Scientology?"

"I told him. John smiled and replied, "We have tech that can help you handle that." I don't know if he meant they had technology that would help me get laid or technology that would stop my willy from doing the majority of my thinking."
After hitching a ride on the Scientology cruise ship (it's called Freewind FYI, just in case you're hit by an iceberg and a boat full of wide-eyed nutjobs tries to rescue you), Shapiro agreed to adapt L Ron Hubbard's book for the screen.

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"A few days after I finished the script, a very excited Travolta called, told me he "loved it," and wanted to have dinner. At dinner, John said again how much he loved the script and called it "The 'Schindler's List' of sci-fi."
And we always thought Travolta had such a keen eye for successul projects. Thank God he doesn't make terrible movies any more. Shapiro goes on to make his excuses.

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"My script was very, VERY different than what ended up on the screen. My screenplay was darker, grittier and had a very compelling story with rich characters. What my screenplay didn't have was slow motion at every turn, Dutch tilts, campy dialogue, aliens in KISS boots, and everyone wearing Bob Marley wigs."
Apparently, Shapiro's first draft came back with studio notes on it that he assumed were a joke; turns out they were from John Travolta's 'people' who wanted to completely shift the tone of the film and call the bad aliens 'Psychlos'. The writer quit, but left his name on the project so he could still get paid. The result is history. Shitty history.

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"Now, looking back at the movie with fresh eyes, I can't help but be strangely proud of it. Because out of all the sucky movies, mine is the suckiest."
Of course, all of this was eight years before The Happening was released, which is in my eyes at least, easily the equal of Battlefield Earth when it comes to U-bend clogging movie turds. I guess shitty movies need a figurehead, and Marky Mark isn't quite up to John Travolta's advanced Thetan level just yet. Get back on that e-meter, Wahlberg.

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