Cowell DJ reality show judges "to be pilled off their swedes"

Ed Williamson

27th January 2012

The judges in Simon Cowell's forthcoming X Factor-style DJ talent show are to ingest a cocktail of mind-altering substances in order to properly appraise the contestants, it has emerged.

Simon Cowell today shocked the British viewing public with the news that the judges on his talent show for DJs would be required to get smacked off their tits on ecstasy bongs before each episode, informing the assembled members of the press:

We need to assess the DJs in their own environment. How many times have you been to a club and come away praising the DJ without having been mashed to all buggery on three pipes of White Idaho and a double-dropped Rolling Thunder?

That's right, never.

It is for this reason that I am insisting upon a full state of really speedy buzz for each judge prior to filming.

But not the smacky kind of buzz, you know? A nice smooth one with no edge to it.
He went on to outline in detail the substances he would be providing. They included a gram of Michael Flatley's meringue, a couple of really Benny disco harpoons, some intravenous Tizer, fifteen jumping Mertesackers and a gloryhole.

Cowell was later photographed in his garden, bummed off his custard on moxidrephalone.

Approached for his reaction to the news, noted disc jockey and purveyor of drums and basses Temper D observed:

Hold tight my selector. We been coming like Mr.Kipling. Exceedingly good. I triple dropped messiah with a skrillex dubplate and the aphrodite remix of down boy by Holly Valance. That shit buss up the place real nice homeslice. Room 1 bizness blud. Main areeeeeena.
When asked whether he was confident that the reality talent show medium was suitable to allow the casual viewer to discern the relative abilities of DJs and that it wouldn't simply turn into a glorified popularity contest, Cowell simply held up his wallet and asked: "We've met before, right?"
Thanks to Temper D for his quote. He is an actual human friend of mine and a DJ and producer who drops fat dubplates on the regular. You can check out the bass he provides for your face at and buy his new release, the Behaving Like Insects EP, at

Follow us on Twitter @The_Shiznit for more fun features, film reviews and occasional commentary on what the best type of crisps are.
We are using Patreon to cover our hosting fees. So please consider chucking a few digital pennies our way by clicking on this link. Thanks!

Share This