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Have another dozen on us, says Cowell publicity team
TV News
Ed Williamson
11th June 2013
The goons who keep Simon Cowell's publicity machine rumbling on like some sort of vast, unrelenting, Gulag-bound people-carrier tonight offered free eggs for anyone else who wants to do them a massive favour.
But on Saturday their prayers were answered when viola-mimer Natalie Holt threw eggs at Cowell from the stage during a live broadcast.
"Where once the idea of fleeting celebrity was greeted with circumspection, we've achieved over 70% inward buy-in to what we call 'positive negativity saturation': namely where we don't even have to pretend that a successful career in showbusiness is actually on the table at the end of the competition, or even that it's necessarily desirable. We barely even bother releasing the winners' records. And yet somehow every Tegs, Gonch and Zammo still wants in.
"Which is why we're all sitting round on our beanbags scratching our heads at why she wanted to give us so much free publicity. No one's talked about Britain's Got Talent since that guy who juggled his own kidneys two years ago, but all of a sudden every major news outlet wants a piece of us. Twitter's talking of nothing else.
"We've even seen a 6% upsurge in people remembering who the fuck Amanda Holden is."
"So look, if anyone else wants to do it, the eggs are on us. Sky's the limit. Even those expensive blue duck eggs you get in Waitrose.
"Seriously, just drop round the office. We'll make you an omelette."
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