"It's was a disaster"! The full thrilling story of our offline adventure

Settle down, folks, and I will tell you a tale – a ripping yarn about sync migration, cloud evangelists and poorly-spelled customer service responses. Who even cares about the stupid News Of The World?

Apologies, readers: our service has been all over the place over this last week. The reason for this is that our host, VPS.net, had something of a bad weekend themselves, leading to three days of non-stop downtime, punctuated – at our end, at least - by extremely loud profanities and much hitting of F5. So desperate was I to share my opinions with people, I started hassling an old lady in the park about the new Avengers teaser trailer. Stupid bitch didn't even care.

Anyway, it's truly an epic tale of incompetence that we're already well on the way to rectifying, so hopefully we won't be suffering too much downtime in the future (although during the writing of this article, we did just have another hour offline, just for shits and giggles).

Anyway, if it wasn't all so horribly distressing, it would have probably have been funny. Only today I found out the 'cloud' that went down is hosted five minutes from my house - and they're based in the US. With that in mind, here are my five favourite hilariously inept customer service responses from the scandal everyone is calling #downtimegate on Twitter.
1. The initial diagnosis



Wow. This guy was waaay off! LOL!
2. The 'official response'



I'd grow to hate that stupid Nazi robot.
3. The ambitious assurance



I used to think I knew what 'ASAP' stood for. Not any more.
4. The casual estimate



Well if you suppose it'll be that long... Bloody Lon-i clouds!
5. The misunderstanding of units of time



Presumably they're running on Martian time.
Bonus customer idiocy


Now let us never speak of this again. (*goes offline*)