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ITV2 mulls over further Olly Murs vehicles

Ed Williamson

30th April 2012

With ratings for its documentary series Life on Murs falling, ITV2 has been considering options for a new format, according to a leaked memo.

You'd think a fly-on-the-wall documentary about the life of X Factor star Olly Murs would be a surefire hit and that ITV2 would be its ideal home, but recent ratings have been "a bit of a shitbiscuit", according to an insider. We got hold of the minutes of a departmental meeting showing the alternatives being considered to freshen up the format, and can exclusively reveal them here.
Murs Attacks

A hidden-camera show in which Murs travels the length and breadth of the United Kingdom surprising members of the public by leaping out from behind trees and committing acts of grievous bodily harm on their person.



Murs is known to be enthusiastic about the project, but insists that no weapons be used, as he regards any assault other than bare-handed to be "for pussies".
Ferry Cross the Mursy

A game show in which Murs and Bryan Ferry compete against each other weekly in feats of mental agility and brute strength, culminating in a battle royale featuring One Direction and the rest of the members of Roxy Music.

The memo indicates concern that the 'Cross' in the title doesn't make any sense. A handwritten note below it says: "GET CHRISTOPHER CROSS AGENT NUMBER".
Murs on Merson

A series of hour-long, one-on-one interviews in which Murs talks to former Arsenal and England footballer Paul Merson about current affairs.



Footage from test shoots shows the two engaged in debate about the ongoing situation in Syria, which breaks down after about twenty seconds when it becomes obvious that Merson thinks they're talking about Serie A, the Italian first division. And that he knows fuck all about it.
Lord Have Mursy

Murs visits churches, mosques, synagogues and gurdwaras across the country in an effort to prove conclusively which is the best religion. He describes each of them as "wicked", and is especially taken with the opportunities Sikhism affords him to wear interesting headgear.

In the series finale he leads members of each congregation in a rendition of Spirit in the Sky, with a view to a possible charity single release.
The Murscenary

In scenes mirroring the seminal Ross Kemp in Afghanistan, Murs heads to war-torn areas across the globe, offering his services as a gun for hire.



He runs into trouble near the Sudanese border when he encounters a rival militia led by Shayne Ward, and a ferocious gun battle ensues.
Ethel Mursman

Murs dresses up as an old lady called Ethel and tricks other X Factor alumni into doing odd jobs around his house, like feeding the cat, taking his Pools coupons to the post office, and recording Countdown. Wagner eventually gets wise to the ruse and burns his house down, cackling like a madman as the flames lick higher.
An ITV2 spokesman said:

"
"
Hurrrrr. Hurrrrrr. Do you know any other words that sound like Murs? What about 'birds'? All right, 'Murs of a Feather', that'll do. MIKE! I've got another one! Get Pauline Quirke on the phone!

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