News
ITV2 mulls over further Olly Murs vehicles
TV News
Ed Williamson
30th April 2012
With ratings for its documentary series Life on Murs falling, ITV2 has been considering options for a new format, according to a leaked memo.
A hidden-camera show in which Murs travels the length and breadth of the United Kingdom surprising members of the public by leaping out from behind trees and committing acts of grievous bodily harm on their person.
Murs is known to be enthusiastic about the project, but insists that no weapons be used, as he regards any assault other than bare-handed to be "for pussies".
A game show in which Murs and Bryan Ferry compete against each other weekly in feats of mental agility and brute strength, culminating in a battle royale featuring One Direction and the rest of the members of Roxy Music.
The memo indicates concern that the 'Cross' in the title doesn't make any sense. A handwritten note below it says: "GET CHRISTOPHER CROSS AGENT NUMBER".
A series of hour-long, one-on-one interviews in which Murs talks to former Arsenal and England footballer Paul Merson about current affairs.
Footage from test shoots shows the two engaged in debate about the ongoing situation in Syria, which breaks down after about twenty seconds when it becomes obvious that Merson thinks they're talking about Serie A, the Italian first division. And that he knows fuck all about it.
Murs visits churches, mosques, synagogues and gurdwaras across the country in an effort to prove conclusively which is the best religion. He describes each of them as "wicked", and is especially taken with the opportunities Sikhism affords him to wear interesting headgear.
In the series finale he leads members of each congregation in a rendition of Spirit in the Sky, with a view to a possible charity single release.
In scenes mirroring the seminal Ross Kemp in Afghanistan, Murs heads to war-torn areas across the globe, offering his services as a gun for hire.
He runs into trouble near the Sudanese border when he encounters a rival militia led by Shayne Ward, and a ferocious gun battle ensues.
Murs dresses up as an old lady called Ethel and tricks other X Factor alumni into doing odd jobs around his house, like feeding the cat, taking his Pools coupons to the post office, and recording Countdown. Wagner eventually gets wise to the ruse and burns his house down, cackling like a madman as the flames lick higher.
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Hurrrrr. Hurrrrrr. Do you know any other words that sound like Murs? What about 'birds'? All right, 'Murs of a Feather', that'll do. MIKE! I've got another one! Get Pauline Quirke on the phone!
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