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Judges required for BGT

Kirsty Harrison

20th September 2011

With Michael McIntyre leaving Britain's Got Talent to concentrate on touring, Amanda Holdenbot "giving birth" and The Hoff being axed for being Too Damn Awesome, there are no judges left to cry at people's dancing dogs. It's a national crisis! We need new judges!

Judge Judy



Mostly known for being a bit of a heinous bitch when riled, Judy Judy would certainly shake things up a bit on Britain's Got Talent. She's not one for sob stories, or suffering fools gladly. A small claims family court judge, Judith Sheindlin was propelled to fame in 1996 and has been dealing out televised justice in an Old Jewish Lady style for 15 years. She's signed up for a 17th series of Judge Judy, and it's unlikely that opera singing mannequins will lure her away from her crazy Southerners suing each other over a broken washing machine.

Verdict: Most likely to fine you for wasting her time and have the bailiffs remove you from the stage.
Judge John Deed



Judge John Deed searches out justice for the plaintiffs in the cases he sees, going above and beyond the requirements of real High Court Judgery (be old; be bigoted; be open to bribery; sleep). That's the kind of passion we want in a BGT judge - one who'll speak out against the tyranny of "notes having to sound nice", who will champion every last little girl who is "doing this for my nana, she loved the spoons". Judge John Deed is exactly the dashing, rules-flouting, thumping-on-tables-till-Cowell-admits-he-made-that-poor-wee-boy-be-extra-gay-for-the-viewing-figures, maverick judge we're looking for.

Verdict: Most likely to be shagging your wife while you audition. And fictional.
Judge Reinhold



Not exactly busy, but the only actually out-and-out talented person on our list - hey, if Holden can do it, Reinhold can. Judge Reinhold is an actor, a gentleman, and a wearer of smashing cardigans, and all of these things make him clearly the front runner for the job. It's been a long time since a non-sinister man in a jumper ruled prime-time TV (Edmonds, I'm looking at you). Judge's lovely malleable face would be a joy to behold as he barely contains his tears of touched happiness listening to High Wycombe Children's Bell Ringing Society dong out the theme to Beverly Hills Cop. Also, he's an American - he would slip into the Hoff's chair no bother at all.

Verdict: Most likely to be available!
Judge John Hodgman



Editor of New York Magazine's humour section, published author and senior correspondent for The Daily Show, John Hodgman is a pretty smart dude. He's also a judge. Kind of. He hosts the Judge John Hodgman podcast in which he settles petty disputes between friends and neighbours - handy to have around just in case that punchy pair from that time come back! Remember them? One of them got their boobs out in the papers after (was that the X-Factor? Oh. It was. Ah well, not a fuck was given).

Verdict: Most likely to walk out in disgust, having reached the zenith of disbelief at both the lengths people go to in search of fame and the length of time people will devote to watching fat people tap dance badly.
Judge Jules



Whilst not actually a Judge, Judge Jules is an actual law graduate and incredibly successful dance music producer and DJ. Even if he looks like he works in that off-brand electronics shop on the high street.
In 2008, he got into a little bit of bother for an off-the-cuff remark about taking pills in the 90s. I cannot conceive of how many E's he'd have to consume in order to sit through a series of old ladies doing burlesque while dressed as Russian clowns. Although, having said that, ingesting a buttload of MDMA might improve BGT no end.

Verdict: Most likely to be able to spot actual musical talent, so long as they are standing behind a podium, blowing a whistle and 'avin it.
Judge Dredd



Convicted of a crime he didn't commit, and sentenced to the cruellest fate of all; judging loonies on a TV talent show. Not only judge, but jury and executioner; you'd better impress him, or there will be hell to pay.

Verdict: Death.

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