Lindsay Lohan can't even play a screwed-up jizz puppet

I'm back!

I'm not usually one to point and snicker when a clearly troubled star displays symptoms of substance abuse (honest), but I'm hoping you're with me when I say fuck Lindsay Lohan: fuck that spoiled bitch for all she's worth. Every second chance she's been given, she's smeared it on her oily crack and posted it back without so much as a second class stamp.

Therefore, news that she's been ditched from the one film she's currently attached to comes as no surprise. Lohan was due to play Linda Lovelace, the troubled porn actress and star of infamous jazz movie Deep Throat, in biopic Inferno. However, after her various adventures in rehab, director Matthew Wilder has announced she's been bounced.

Instead, Watchmen actress Malin Akerman will play the role, leaving Lohan to face the realisation that she can't even play a drug-addled actress prone to smoking pole. Wilder claims that Lohan has been ditched for insurance reasons (frankly I'd rather insure Jackie Chan) but Lindsay is claiming she opted out of the movie to concentrate on her "recovery". In unrelated news, can anyone else smell bullshit?

Listen, I heart Mean Girls just like the rest of you, and there's no denying that for a while there, Lohan looked like she might just the kind of actress/girlfriend you could take home to meet your Mum then roger her on the top of your little brother's bunk bed (just me?). Those days are long gone. I guess it's time I embraced the possibility that just maybe, Miley Cyrus is the future.