Movie news round-up: Keanu, cock-punching and Timberlake titties

What a week! Seven crazy days, am I right you guys? Phew! I'm exhausted! I need a week off to recover it was so insane! Wow! What happened? What didn't happen, more like! Can you tell I'm stalling? I haven't finished writing yet no wait DON'T CLICK IT'S NOT FINISHED

Rick Jaffa and Amanda Silver, writers of the surprisingly ace Rise Of The Planet Of The Apes, have been selected by Steven Spielberg to hopefully make Jurassic Park 4 equally surprisingly ace. I may appear to be relatively calm in reporting this news, but in actuality I just kicked a dog over a fence I'm so excited. Don't worry, I can still hear it barking, it's fine!

Keanu Reeves, the 'Good Guy Greg' of Hollywood, is making his directorial debut with martial arts drama, Man Of Tai Chi. This astonishing proof of concept video shows a motion control camera weaving in and out of a test fight scene, like the 100 Agent Smiths sequence in The Matrix Reloaded, but not CGI and therefore 100 times less shit.


Jim Carrey has flounced off the theoretical set of Dumb & Dumber 2 - cunningly titled Dumb & Dumber To - after apparently facing studio resistance to the idea of a sequel. Jeff Daniels is still game, but with the Farrelly Brothers' recent slump, the critics' ratings would be so potentially low, scientists would have to create anti-matter to score it accordingly.
My turd of an ISP meant I only saw the first few seconds of this trailer for the animated Black Dynamite series before it buffered, but luckily, someone was punched in the nads so everything worked out okay.


Michael Bay has been talking about Transformers 4 while promoting the opening of the Transformers theme park ride (that sound you hear? ARTISTIC INTEGRITY) and has scotched claims it'll be a straight-up reboot, revealing that the past three movies' history will remain. So, despite an all-new human cast and a likely Cybertron setting, the universe you'll be watching will still be one where giant clanging robot testicles exist.

This international promo poster for forthcoming Disney releases not only gives us a first glimpse of James Franco in Sam Raimi's Oz: The Great And Powerful (he's got a new hat!) but suggests that Planes, the Cars spin-off that was intended to go direct-to-DVD, might get a theatrical release in September 2013. Internationally, anyway. And who lives there? Not me!


Bert and Ernie discover that Sesame Street is to be made into a movie:

If you simply had to know what Michael Fassbot's android David says to the Engineer at the end of Prometheus, here's the translation. Warning to those expecting a cataclysmically important easter egg: it is dangerously underwhelming and depressingly literal.

Told you. Also, spoilers, I guess. Psyche!

Paul Verhoeven - director of Basic Instinct and Showgirls - has plans to direct Jesus Of Nazareth, a story written by Roger Avary based on Jesus' life and times as a man, not a Messiah (presumably though, he will be a naughty boy). "It's part of the greatest unfilmed franchise in cinematic history!" some marketing nutsack probably said out loud.
Gary Oldman is quite funny and should probably be in more comedies.



Rihanna will provide a voice in DreamWorks animation Happy Smekday!, which sounds like a film I will never, ever see.