Movie poster round-up: Honest Abe, Safe Stath and Dirty Woody

It's a rainy Sunday afternoon here in Englandshire, and before I lock myself away in a warm, windowless room with just some snacks and Dark Souls for company, please allow me to present this week's batch of movie posters. If you need me I'll be bludgeoning my Xbox with a tube of Pringles. #film
Guys, I don't think Abraham Lincoln: Vampire Hunter is 100% historically accurate. He used a stake to kill vampires, not an axe.


Airborne is a low budget British horror that somehow - somehow - stars Mark Hamill. Luke Skywalker needs to do these sort of films now? Anyway. The only reason this gets a mention is because it led to the discovery of another shonky-looking film by the same director (Dominic Burns), which features UFOs and Jean-Claude Van Damme. Now that I'm not surprised about.


Oh, Battleship. You are an anagram of 'Plate B Shit', which also happens to be the name of a film about a rapper who inherits a haunted crockery set with spooky-yet-hilarious results that I just made up. Starring DMX.


Friends With Kids sounds like the logical sequel to Friends With Benefits, but is in fact a sort of reunion for most of the cast of Bridesmaids. Literal and specific movie titles are the best - you know exactly what to expect. I'm looking forward to the sequels 'Uncles With Wigs', and 'Alan Down The Road Who Owns A Dog With Wheels'.


Wasn't Jeff Who Lives At Home already made as Step Brothers and You, Me & Dupree and Our Idiot Brother?


Rampart has been on my radar for a while, because I've always wanted to see Woody Harrelson play a total tosspot. My only concern is this quest for "omg most corrupt cop evah!" - will there be a plot, or would a hypothetical sequel have an even more corrupt cop being EVEN MORE outrageous? This is how the Saw franchise works, not real films. You didn't see Brokeback Mountain billed as "the gayest cowboys you'll ever see" now, did you?


The saddest day of my life was when I found out Zed's voice in Police Academy was faked. That was earlier today, after googling for information about psycho-social-commentary-cum-comedy God Bless America and watching an interview with writer/director Bobcat Goldthwait. Afterwards I put on Assignment: Miami Beach to cheer me up but... it didn't work :(


Hopefully the soundtrack to Safe will feature a cover of Queen's "Flash's Theme", but with the lyrics changed to "Stath... ah ahhh he'll save every one of us!".


Popular hate figure George Lucas didn't write, direct or edit Red Tails, but that's not going to stop the internet blasting him when it doesn't suit everyone's tastes exactly. But maybe he... likes taking the blame? Like, likes it. I mean, he took the whole 'nuke the fridge' thing back from Spielberg recently, and nobody who didn't want people shouting at them in the street would have invented Jar Jar and midi-chlorians, or given Jedis rattails. This puts a sick twist on over a decade of everybody in the world giving Lucas stick for the Star Wars prequels: it's his porn. This is his porn. We're his porn! I suddenly feel very queasy.