Movie poster round-up: Wars, Witches and Weenies

With the excitement of the Oscars over, it's business as usual here at Shiznit Towers. By which I mean laughing and being sarcastic at this week's inevitable batch of terrible movie posters.

The Moth Diaries is an adaptation of the 2002 debut novel by American author Rachel Klein. I've got a copy right here, let's delve in shall we: "May 2nd. Dear Diary, today I flapped around aimlessly and uncontrollably. May 3rd. Dear Diary, today I flew at a man's head. May 4th. Dear Diary, today I circled a very bright light." What riveting lives these moths lead.


Fact: Chris Pine's likeness in the This Means War computer game doesn't have a headshot bonus because it's no challenge. BOOM.


Highly-anticipated tower block-based Indonesian shoot-em-up The Raid: Redemption is nearly upon us, picking up a franchise-teasing subtitle during its journey to the West. Here are some free title suggestions for a possible sequel: The Raid: Next Level, The Raid: Level Up, The Raid: Raidiculous. Cheques to the usual address please, Indonesian Film Industry.


This poster for 2 Days In New York is a pretty good representation of what cyclops see when they watch 3D films at the cinema.


The poster offerings for Wanderlust have so far been of a level that would make X-Men: First Class wince. Going by the trailers full of recycled jokes and that thing below, is it any wonder Aniston and Rudd are dressed for a funeral?


And I was so close to removing all traces of Battleship from my brain too.


It took them long enough but here's the first remotely passable poster for The Cold Light Of Day. Y'know, the one with Ripley, Superman and John McClane that looks like it sits somewhere between The Bourne Identity and RED. Why aren't more people excited about this?


Piranha 3DD promises "Double the action, double the terror, double the D's". Add to that "double the googling of 'Piranha' because I still can't remember which way round the n and the h go".


What's the opposite of verbal diarrhea - verbal constipation? Whatever it is, Eddie Murphy seems to have it in A Thousand Words. Joking aside, this is one of the worst movie posters I've ever seen. It really, genuinely is actual stills from the film, cut in various baffling ways, complete with motion blur. Incredible.


Say what you will about Tim 'Kooky is my middle name' Burton and his spooky ways, he's still responsible for some of the most memorable films of the last few decades. Alice In Wonderland wasn't one of them, however, so Christ knows why it's being used to push Frankenweenie.


If Mirror Mirror doesn't feature a midget rap battle dance-off, I'm sending one of my children over to the ticket counter to demand my money back.


And finally; Act Of Valour would seem so much less like a recruiting tool if they called it 'Act Of Velour', and it starred Goldie Hawn as a bungling army seamstress.