Pirates 4's action scenes are intense


3rd May 2011

Who'd have thought the director of musicals like Chicago and Nine would be able to pull off such belting action scenes? [Editor's note: this is sarcasm. I think I forgot how to use it properly.]

I have low expectations for Pirates Of The Caribbean: On Stranger Tides, mainly because I'll probably be proved wrong and will enjoy it more, but mainly because the last two Pirates movies were congealed messes - they literally made them up as they went along, with a script-writer on set writing the second half of Pirates 2 while Gore Verbinski shot the first half. I bet Renny Harlin didn't have that problem on Cutthroat Island.

Anyway, the first clip of Pirates The Fourth has made its way into port (or something other lame sea-faring pun) and it proves my worst fears: director Rob Marshall isn't quite the right man to shoot action and/or adventure. Unless I'm getting Memoirs Of A Geisha confused with House Of Flying Daggers, he's untested with buckles of the swash. Just look.

How very jovial. You scamp, Captain Jack! But let's rewind. How goddamn easy is it for a pirate to escape these idiots? As you can see in this incredibly detailed animated .gif I put together, it looks like he's been captured by the same goons who Steven Seagal effortlessly wrist-tosses out of windows on a twice-weekly basis.

I think he's supposed to have him them in the nuts, but they don't even show fist connecting with groin - even if they did, it'd be a light, erotic graze, not a proper ball-acher.

Jack proceeds to make his daring escape, by, er... casually sauntering up the table, kicking some food in the armed guards' faces, standing by a window then leisurely swinging to safety on a chandelier. THE GUARDS HAVE GUNS. WHY DON'T THEY JUST SHOOT HIM?

Guh. I'm aware this is nit-picking, but come on, people. Enough with the hiring of poncey, Oscar-winning directors where a bit of grit is required. Don't make me lower my expectations further. Try me.

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