Schofield to work off ITV McAlpine settlement

Ed Williamson

4th December 2012

ITV has instructed Phillip Schofield that his actions in temporarily going batshit and handing a list of suspected paedophiles to the Prime Minister will not go unpunished. "The way we see it, the bugger owes us 125 grand," said a spokesman.

Conservative peer and definite non-paedophile Lord McAlpine has settled out of court with ITV for Phillip Schofield's recent out-of-body experience on This Morning. The presenter has apologised for his actions. "I'm sorry," he apologised.

ITV considers the matter far from closed as far as Schofield is concerned, however. "You can't just go double mentaloid on national telly, cost us a bundle of cash and expect to get away with it," said a spokesman.

"We could've used that money. There's definitely another documentary in this Jimmy Savile thing, for instance. We could've put Peter Andre in it and told him to cry."

Schofield will be expected to work off the debt through a variety of tasks, the spokesman confirmed.

Every day after his presenting duties on This Morning are completed, he will be biked over to ITV headquarters where he will personally remove the old channel logo from all noticeboards and stationery, and draw in the new one with a biro. Once this is complete, he will be made to go around the office and personally change it on everyone's desktop wallpaper, then abseil down the side of the building and paint on the rebranded logo in fifty-foot letters.

There will need to be an element of trapezing involved to achieve the lower arcs.

Next, Schofield will be forcibly seconded to the production team of Piers Morgan's Life Stories, where he will be put in charge of coming up with questions such as "Have you ever worn a hat?" and "Mention a thing that once made you sad so it looks like you might cry and we can put it on the trailer."

"This will be ideal," said a staff member. "Usually we get an eight-year-old girl to write them but now we can put her to work writing Paddy McGuinness' jokes on Take Me Out instead."

A Downing Street spokeswoman said: "No, of course the Prime Minister's got no comment. He's not going anywhere near this stuff at the moment. This royal baby thing's doing brilliantly for showering off the Leveson stink. Are you nuts?"

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