Suggestions for returning TV stars

Kirsty Harrison

14th September 2011

Eastenders are bringing the Wicks brothers back to kill off Pat. Or something. Nick Berry hasn't been in the show for about 80 years, and will "shake up the square", allegedly. Bit tasteless, considering there's just been an earthquake somewhere. We've thought of some other people who should be brought back to rejuvenate their old shows. NO SEGUE FOR YOU!

Barry Norman - Film 2012

After presenting The Film Programme for 26 years, Barry finally had enough of the BBC and left to go off and conquer the world of pickled onions (which he has, they're awesome). With that career goal behind him, he is taking it upon himself to answer the pleas of film fans everywhere and return to the leather office chair of Film 2012 in order to be drily droll about Claudia's fringe and constant bloody gurning.
Clive James - Neighbours

They've not had a decent mail service since he was laid off. In an effort to keep up with the kids, Erinsborough Council began using owls to deliver mail. Carnage. James's Postie Pat O'Crikey is rehired and faces a struggle against time and the odds to deliver all the mail. Two of the envelopes have unmarked DNA results in them, but there's more drama in the medium parcels: one's a bag of insulin, another a bag of cyanide. What a Clive-hanger.
Jack's Pigeons - Coronation Street

Having released Jack's pigeons as a tribute to his lost father figure, professional idiot Tyrone will be gobsmacked when they find their way home. Being, as they are, homing pigeons. What will they do when they discover that Roy plans to make a giant pigeon pie to celebrate 150 years since the discovery of mash? And is Slightly Green Pigeon hiding a dark, dark secret? Was it him who shat on Steve's cab?
Captain Mal - Firefly

JUST BRING THE BLOODY SHOW BACK. At least show it on the telly. Please.

For the excellent storytelling, obviously.

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