Worrying trend of 50 Cent being considered serious actor gathers pace

ANOTHER person has seen fit to give 50 Cent an acting job. Why do they keep ignoring my emails and leafleting campaign?

No, no, no, no, NO. 50 Cent has been confirmed for a role on The Finder, which is a spin-off of Bones. I don't care if it's a spin-off of a fucking 50 Cent video: STOP PUTTING HIM IN THINGS.

Anyone else remember seeing this trailer earlier in the year for some movie in which he gets AIDS or something and loses loads of weight?

Imagine Ray Liotta telling you you had AIDS. What hospital would think he was the best guy for that job?

At the time I seem to remember some buzz about how great his performance was. I even heard whispers of "Oscar", though they may have been during those night terrors I used to get. Luckily, the whole thing seemed to die down, and everyone went back to their default opinion: that the only film with 50 Cent in it of any possible merit would be CCTV footage of him getting an hour-long kicking by some big men with tire irons.

Until now. This role he's landed on The Finder is supposedly one of a hip-hop mogul, which will of course require him to wear a suit and a lot of gold, sit behind a desk and act like he's really hard. WHICH IS EXACTLY WHAT HE DOES IN REAL LIFE. Every day. Pausing only to tweet something offensive and unintelligible. Probably while getting sucked off by some silicon-enhanced skank to whom he's promised a record deal.

Wish I was 50 Cent.