Benedict Cumberbatch

Review: War Horse

At the screening of War Horse I attended, there were people in floods of tears. Floods. Not just quiet, reflective sobbing, but that godless, wretched honking that's usually accompanied by snot and friends who wish they were somewhere else. Me? I didn't shed a single tear – I walked out of there like Moses parting a salty sea. Bear in mind I once got a bit teary because I thought one of my cats was upset with me, and that should tell you a little about me, but everything about War Horse. It's about as manipulative a film has Steven Spielberg has ever made – a movie that's been custom-designed from the ground up to play a sad harp solo on the heartstrings; a story cynically told to invoke as many tears as possible. You'd swear it was bankrolled by Kleenex.

Dammit War Horse, I will NOT let you make me cry

Empire have a new trailer for Steven Spielberg's War Horse, which looks totally lame. Now if you'll excuse me, my ocular muscles are emitting salty liquid unrelated to emotions.

Review: Tinker, Tailor, Soldier, Spy

As much as I would like to believe that real-life spies jet around the world using their blow-dart pens and laser watches to prevent megalomaniacs from stealing Fiji, this film is probably closer to the truth. John Le Carré’s double agent vision (based on his own experiences working for the intelligence services) tells a less dynamic tale of political decisions, uneasy alliances and lots of sizing people up. And instead of a simple mission involving a casino, a volcano lair and a henchmen fight, this authentic spy-work is complicated as fuck.

Sing with me: War... HORSE! Yeah... What is it good for?

Absolutely nothing? Play it again, y'all - it's the trailer for Steven Spielberg's War Horse. (That was to be sung to the tune of Edwin Starr's 'War', if that wasn't abundantly clear).