Happy New Star Wars Trailer Day everyone! While the world and its web awaits the first non-shitty-camcorder footage of Star Wars: The Force Awakens, let's bide our time by learning a little about this most prestigious of national holidays. Are you all wearing your traditional Imperial robes? Then I'll begin!
The internets are pretty jizzed right now about the fact that Saoirse Ronan auditioned for Star Wars Episode VII, as revealed in the Empire podcast, but nobody seems to have picked up on her most revealing comment: "Yeah, I did [audition for Star Wars Episode VII]… I mean, everyone did. Everyone has auditioned for it." In a Shiznit exclusive, we spoke to literally everyone about their Ep 7 auditions, and here are just some of their remarkable stories...
Now that J-Jabs is confirmed as director of Star Wars: Episode VII, it seems like a mere formality that at some point his lucky charm from Mission: Impossible III and the Star Treks, Simon Pegg, will be cast in the film. No doubt Jabrams is wondering right now what part Pegg could possibly play. Well, WONDER NO MORE, JABRAMOVITCH!
Here's proof that we got the exclusive on the news that JJ Abrams is directing the new Star Wars film. We’ve also got the exclusive on any of these other Episode VII titbits if they turn out to be true. This is how exclusives work, right? Guesswork?
Master of mystery JJ Abrams (*swishes cape, puff of smoke*) kept his cards close to his chest in the run up to release of Super 8. Was it a Cloverfield sequel? Was it somehow connected to Lost? What was the meaning of all of the clues scattered throughout the enigmatic teaser trailer? Could JJ's nose be pushed any further into Steven Spielberg's rectum? But the most important question of all could only really be answered after viewing it: why should we give a damn about yet another alien invasion movie?
Eagle-eyed movie fans may have spotted that JJ Abrams, director of Star Trek and the forthcoming Super 8, has a very distinctive look and style to his films that really could be applied to any movie. So I did. Ever wondered what Forrest Gump would look like if it was directed by JJ Abrams? Well, wonder no more.