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News, Reviews & Features

Review: Fast & Furious 9 is a bloodless blockbuster Scalextric

Movie Review | Ali Gray | 27th June 2021

Is there any point in bothering to review a film like Fast & Furious 9? Its very existence is a middle finger to anyone who genuinely considers themselves to be a 'film critic' - even its title feels like the sort of cute background gag you'd see in Back To The Future II, a sly crack at Hollywood's over-reliance on familiar formula. Let me rephrase my original question: is there any point in me bothering to review a film like Fast & Furious 9? The answer is yes, thank you very much, because I haven't reviewed a film since 2019 and I couldn't imagine booking an easier comeback gig. It's a big stupid target for someone like me to take cheap potshots at and at the same time feel good about myself for ultimately giving it a positive review, as per the will of the people. Everybody wins! Except the criminals.

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Fast & Furious 8

Movie Review | Ali Gray | 11th April 2017

The Fast & Furious franchise is not big on learning. It doesn't really care for consequences. It is of the moment. Always in the now. If it were a person, it would be the kind of person who sincerely believes in the motto 'If you can't handle me at my worst, you don't deserve me at my best'. Fast & Furious movies are wrongheaded and backwards but they don't care, because people vote with their wallets. They are Brexit. They are dumb. They make dumb look dumb. They are awful. They are brilliant. They are confusing and simple and ridiculous and serious all at the same time, somehow. Fast & Furious 8, a title and a number which give me great pleasure to say together, is all of these things and more.

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Fast & Furious 7

Movie Review | Ali Gray | 23rd March 2015

For the first time since its inception in 2001, the Fast & Furious franchise was forced to hit the brakes. The unfortunate – but avoidable – death of Paul Walker in an automobile accident in November 2013 meant production on Part 7 skidded to a halt. Now, one year on from its planned release, Furious 7 rides into town after a respectful re-pimping – the muted colours on the poster suggests a star-studded funeral procession, but in actual fact, the latest instalment of The Franchise That Couldn't Slow Down is business as usual: cars, explosions, pecs (men), gussets (women), crap jokes and the most flagrant disrespect for physics since Sir Isaac Newton's naysayers suggested he stick his apple up his arse. You wouldn't call it a fitting tribute to Walker – I'm pretty sure the last thing his family needs to see is 250 cars exploding into fireballs – but you suspect it's what he, the fans and the studio would have wanted. So here we are. Amber turned to green. Let's go.

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Fast & Furious 6

Movie Review | Ali | 13th May 2013

If you've never seen a Fast & Furious movie, Vin Diesel and Paul Walker play two alpha males who wish they could have energetic bum sex with one another, but have to settle for driving around big shiny penis extensions instead. Over five homoerotic odysseys, they've recruited various friends from around the world into their gang, all of whom perform one specific function, whether it be 'tech', 'comic relief' or 'looking hot'. In Fast & Furious 6, they team up with chief Fast Five antagonist Dwayne 'The Rock' Johnson to hunt down Luke 'The Crow' Evans, an evil man who needs a computer chip to do evil things and who doesn't care how many cars he has to flip over to get it. There, you're up to speed – and that speed just happens to be TWO HUNDRED MILES PER HOUR.

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Fast & Furious 5: Rio Heist

Movie Review | Rob | 21st April 2011

Fast Five? Fast & Furious 5? 5ast 5ive? Fa5t & Fiveriou5? Whatever the hell you decide to call it, this macho, manly franchise shows no signs of pulling into the slow lane. Grrrr!

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Legion

Movie Review | Matt | 7th March 2010

When angels are portrayed in the movies, they are usually benevolent guides that show desperate businessmen what life would be like if they didn't exist. Not so with Legion: this angel doesn't just have a dirty face, he has guns and mad fisticuff skills to boot. Think this seems like utter nonsense already? Just you wait.

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Death Race

Movie Review | Rob | 30th September 2008

It wouldn't be fair to compare this modernised carmageddon to the 1975 movie that bares the same name. Sure, the film shares the same basic premise and the occasional character name, but they're different animals. While Paul Bartel's '70s exploitation road movie had David Carradine and a young Sly Stallone hauling ass across Ame...

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Transformers

Movie Review | Ali | 23rd July 2007

So here we are: the year's biggest tentpole movie has arrived and the hype could not be any bigger or nerdier. Grown men have been reduced to gibbering, pre-pubescent wrecks, muttering about Autobots and Decepticons while their girlfriends can only look on in bemusement (males not lucky enough to have a partner have meanwhile be...

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