The Dukes Of Hazzard

Dukes of Hazzard is a film that used to be a TV show probably from before I was born, probably even before Big Brother even existed. There's two cousins, Bo and Luke Duke, and they drive their orange car around really fast, so the cops don't get them. They are trying to get their Uncle's special drink to all of his customers without the police finding out, but the evil Boss Hogg doesn't want them to deliver the special drink, because he is evil. He is played by Burt Reynolds, who my Daddy says used to be in good films but now advertises spectacles.

The car scenes are wicked 'cos they drive really fast and dangerously which is cool, and they swear at each other and punch each other like me and my brother do. There is a girl in it called Daisy who is played by Jessica Simpson who is so fit she makes the insides of my legs feel warm, but she doesn't say much but OMG she is well fit. There is also some race which the brothers enter to save their town from being destroyed by the evil Boss Hogg, but everything's okay in the end.

My favourite bits were the car chases and the bits where Jessica Simpson is in her bikini and walks around slowly. I would definitely go and see it again. Ali (aged 12)

Unfortunately, I am not twelve any more - my clothes don't fit any longer and girls don't like it when I push them and run away - so perhaps it's time I faced up to the fact that there's more to film than pretty girls and roaring engines. Another in the seemingly endless list of TV show remakes (although the original isn't exactly sacred), Dukes of Hazzard remains as effortlessly goofy and lightweight as its televisual forefather, but doesn't exactly justify taking the concept and stretching it out to feature film length. Where Starsky & Hutch was ripe for a lampooning, with its tight leather jackets and gravity-defying perms, the original Dukes of Hazzard was almost a piss-take to begin with. So what's the point?

"It's just a bit of fun," someone just said somewhere, probably. And sure, I suppose you could consider Dukes of Hazzard fun, all the elements are there; the admittedly exciting chase scenes, the to-and-fro between the brothers Duke (Seann William Scott and Johnny Knoxville) and the crotch-tighteningly magnificent body of Jessica Simpson all make an appearance. But for the most part, it feels completely empty, like we're supposed to be laughing at the idea of it all, rather than any jokes themselves. Throughout the whole film, there are maybe two or three moments which will make you genuinely smile, much less laugh uproariously - surely for lightweight junk like this, you'd expect at least a few belly laughs? If you never found the original show funny (I'll come clean, I never saw it but don't feel like I missed out on an important part of my upbringing) then a movie remake was never going to change your mind.

For the record, I consider Seann William Scott aka The Stifler to be right up there with Buddha and Gandhi in my book. There's something about his wonky smile and the brief flash of insanity you catch in his eyes that just cracks me up, even when he's mouthing awful dialogue like "I thought you said 'Go Bo, Go,' not 'No Bo, No!'" The guy's an absolute legend in my book - I'd get a kick out of watching him butter a slice of toast. Pairing him with Knoxville seemed like a genius idea - two trouble makers (or 'good old boys', if you will) out on the road, getting up to no good - it sounded like a recipe for a fun time at the movies but they never quite gel together. It's a shame the dialogue doesn't call for a little more banter between the two, because as it is, it's restricted to hollering, yeehawing and little else.

A short paragraph for Jessica Simpson. That girl sure knows how not to wear clothes. To be honest, she could have been reading the works of Kafka up on screen in those little hotpants and I wouldn't have noticed. If the rumours are correct and Knoxville got to tap that white ass, he's luckier than a dog with two dicks. While it's obviously not the kind of role Nicole Kidman would go for (but she's happy to star in Bewitched? Go figure), Simpson still manages to make the character seem as vapid and dull as she herself appears to be in real life. But like I said, who gives a fuck when you look like her?

When I was younger, I would have got a kick out of a movie like Dukes of Hazzard - it would make me want to go do doughnuts in a wheat field and barn dance until the batteries in my L.A. Lights went dead. Alas, I'm older now and have to face facts - fast cars and fast women just don't hit all my buttons any more. Consider it a valiant attempt, gentlemen - there's nothing wrong with harking back to the good old days, just don't expect me to have too much fun. Ali (aged 24)