Top 10 Films That Macgyver Should Be In

Kids, you're living in a generation devoid of any real entertainment. Dick and Dom flick bogeys at each other, Captain Scarlet is now made out of computers and afternoon TV consists of talentless no-marks displaying their ineptitude on a national scale in a desperate bid for their 15 seconds of fame (or failing that, a job offer from Price-Drop TV). Let me tell you about a man who was cooler than The Fonz, who was smarter than Columbo and was more handsome than Face; this was a cat who wasn't fazed by anything - he averted several wars, saved approximately a billion lives and bedded crazy, boy-band amounts of ass.

I'm speaking of course, about the legend that was MacGyver. Despite a TV show that showed off his godlike escapism powers and DIY skills, Mac was cruelly denied a decent film career by the powers that be; therefore, we can only imagine how some of Hollywood's finest films would have been improved by his inclusion. Today, right here and right now, we continue to live the MacGyver dream and dare to fantasise about an industry rife with MacGyver's daring deeds...
10. Titanic

Ask yourself this question: would the Titanic really have sunk if MacGyver were at the wheel? You bet your sweet ass it wouldn't. At the first sign of iceberg damage, Captain Mac would have raced down to the engine rooms and fixed the rip in the mighty ship's hull with nought but a packet of chewing gum, a large tarpaulin and a whole load of elbow grease. The greatest ship in the world would therefore be free to sail unharmed, arriving in New York a full three days early thanks to Mac's revolutionary new propeller system, made out of chair legs and poor people.
9. Jurassic Park

Spielberg really dropped the bomb when he neglected MacGyver for the John Hammond role, eventually filled by Richard Attenborough. For a start, a dinosaur theme park made by the Mac would never have malfunctioned and put its inhabitants in danger - that's the Mac seal of approval, right there. Secondly, McG wouldn't need to dabble in DNA cloning to create a new race of prehistoric creatures - he'd be able to knock up a park full of reptilian rascals simply by sellotaping some frog's legs to some angry-looking lizards, and with some hard work and some elbow grease, would have had the world's first dino-tastic theme park up and running. Jeff Goldblum would be so in awe of Mac's genius, he'd have no choice but to give the park his complete approval. "Welcome... to Jurassic Park featuring MacGyver."
8. Star Wars: Episode III - Revenge Of The Sith

Forget whiny teen Hayden Christensen and his 'tortured youth' take on the young Darth Vader, the thought on everyone's minds when Revenge of the Sith hit the big screen was clearly 'Why didn't Lucas hire MacGyver for this role?' Despite the fact that a man of his talents would never let Renton get the high ground, even with his limbs lopped off and a barbequed body, Mac would knuckle down at the task at hand and set about creating himself a new robot body, using only the remains of an old washing machine, an old dust mask, some elbow grease and a roll of bin bags. The climax of Empire would certainly have been different had Luke discovered his father was actually mankind's greatest escape artist.
7. Jarhead

Who would you rather see taking on the elite Iraqi forces - sullen-faced whinger Jake Gyllenhaal, or male role model and all round one-man army MacGyver? Screw Operation Enduring Freedom - send in Mac with some tin foil, gasoline and a big stick, and with a little elbow grease, Baghdad would be rubble in minutes. Cornered in his opulent fortress, Saddam would be forced into a fistfight with our hero, which he'd lose miserably, turning over leadership of his country as a result. Picture the final scene of Mac standing proud on the roof of Saddam's palace, Stars and Stripes flying, his luscious mullet billowing in the breeze.
6. Aliens

Sure, Michael Biehn was pretty damn cool, but think how safe you would have felt if MacGyver was heading up your ragtag crew of space marines? Those xenomorph bastards wouldn't have stood a chance. No need for pulse rifles and flamethrowers where Mac is concerned, hell no: Mac would creep up on his foes like a silent assassin, and with a quick karate chop to the shoulder area, the Aliens would fall, defeated by the great man's awesome power. Humanity is therefore saved, leaving Mac time to bone Ripley and act as a surrogate father for Newt, who he would care for like loose cannon Biehn never could. Half action sci-fi, half family drama - everybody wins.
5. Being John MacGyver

An unassuming puppeteer finds a portal into the mind of MacGyver, whisking him away into another world of terrorist infiltration, homemade tank creation and last-minute bomb defusal. The portal is made even more exciting by the fact that Mac gets caught and imprisoned approximately three times a day, so the user is guaranteed at least one daring escape per session. The twist comes at the end, when MacGyver ends up entering the portal to his own mind and is confronted with a world populated by himself. Of course, this is brilliant for all concerned, so the movie ends right there on a happy note.
4. The Lord Of The Rings Trilogy

I'm sure every sane person watching Peter Jackson's epic trilogy was thinking the same thing: "Man, these movies would be perfect, if only Aragorn got locked in a munitions factory and had to break out using an old car engine, the wiring from a plug and some magnets that had no reason to be lying around in a munitions factory."
3. The Great Escape

Faced with the overwhelming enemy of Nazi Germany, Mac nonetheless manages to make light work of the guards at his prison camp, escaping in mere minutes using some pencil lead, a paper clip and some elbow grease. Once free, Mac sails majestically over the barbed wire border on his motorcycle (thanks to the turbo engine upgrade) and sets about going after the biggest enemy of them all - Adolf Hitler. Dressed in an SS uniform, Mac manages to infiltrate Hitler's palace and takes out the Fuhrer with a swift blow to the shoulder and a sarcastic quip. Europe is at peace, MacGyver is made prime minister and the world is free to live in harmony forever more.
2. The Matrix

There's no first act revelation here - where it took Keanu at least 25 years to discover the mystery of The Matrix, Mac had the whole shebang figured out from conception. Forgoing the trenchcoat and sunglasses, our resourceful hero faces up to the agents wearing a leather jacket and a Hawaiian shirt, karate chopping with gay abandon, all in glorious bullet-time. Once he escapes (easily) into the real world, Mac brings down the machines' elaborate computer world by uploading a simple virus, before fleeing their central control centre with seconds to spare before the entire machine city erupts in a cheap-looking explosion.
1. Lost In Translation

Young, naive and aimless, Scarlett Johansson lacks direction until she bumps into MacGyver in a bar in Tokyo, where's he's working undercover to bring down a triad gang. Scarlett is then whisked off on an adventure in which countless helicopters are destroyed, many nuclear devices are disarmed using only spit and elbow grease and an entire army of an ambiguously brown-yet-evil race are defeated in increasingly ludicrous situations. The couple finally get it on, and race into the sunset on their motorcycles. Music by Primal Scream and Air Supply.
Unfortunately, back on plain old planet Earth, we must concede that not everyone can open their minds wide enough to see just how diverse and exciting a movie industry we could have. As a race, we must settle for Vin Diesel's vowel-heavy delivery and Nicolas Cage's equine-like face, when we know that any role could be improved simply by flicking to 'M' in the phone book. If ever you need a bomb defused, a terrorist weapons plant exploded or an evil warlord taken down a few pegs, don't bother forking out millions for the latest Hollywood flavour of the month - the man you're looking for doesn't work for money, he just wants to save the world to a soft-rock soundtrack. Now if you'll excuse me, I'm off to write some fan-fiction while masturbating.