|Starring||Henry Cavill, Freida Pinto, Mickey Rourke, Steven Dorff, Luke Evans, John Hurt, Isabel Lucas, Kellan Lutz|
|Release||11 NOV (US) 11 NOV (UK) Certificate 15|
The first half of Immortals is a right old plodder. Meet Theseus (Henry Cavill, giving his Kryptonian ab-blaster a good workout), a simple townsman who loves his muvva and also happens to be INSANELY BUFF and best friends with Zeus' human form on Earth, which is obviously John Hurt. Before long, Mickey Rourke's barbarian King Hyperion has stirred some shit up, killed Theseus' mother and declared war on the Gods. Because they can't interfere with Earthly matters, Luke Evans and his INSANELY HOT god mates convince Theseus he can lead his men to victory and blah blah blah oracles and yadda yadda prophecies etc etc etc.
Suddenly, sword-fighting! Once Immortals punts the deathly dull exposition stuff into touch and gets with the clashing of the titans, it becomes far more enjoyable – probably because every just shuts the hell up. It's here Tarsem gets to flex his muscles, with a nice line in fast-then-slow-then-fast-mo beatdowns and all manner of stabbings (you'd be surprised how many ways a sword can enter a man's body).
It's all highly silly, obviously, but the fact it has the resolve to stick it out and take itself deadly seriously – way past the point of parody – is kind of admirable. Take the costume design, for example. It's pretty out there. The gods dress in costumes Lady Gaga would consider "a bit much", but at least they're original. The guy sat next to me at the press screening would burst into laughter every time Kellan Lutz's character Poseidon appeared on screen, wearing what looked like the metal framework of a posh John Lewis lampshade on his head. Every time. Fucking hi-larious. After a while, you should just get used to the movie's unique style. It's so easy to mock, but what would you prefer? Robes and and little hats made of fig leaves? Get with the times, guy sat next to me.
If you're capable of stifling your sniggers for an hour and a bit, Immortals can be hugely campy fun – it's a beautiful, if utterly vacuous experience, that makes 300 look like Spartacus. If you must be like the guy next to me and live so relentlessly in the real world, then yes, obviously it's ridiculous and a bit crap. But be warned: if you choose to be the latter and wind up sat next to me, I will tut at you for the whole film.
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