Slasher

Review: The Last House On The Left

There's something off-putting about the current brand of horror remakes. The movies that are being refitted from the seventies and eighties are ones whose names still resonate today, due to the controversy they caused at the time (see: The Hills Have Eyes, Friday The 13th, Texas Chainsaw Massacre etc.) But the so-called 'video n...

Review: Friday The 13th

"Remakes? Pah!" Before you spit with indignation, remember it's kind of hard to besmirch the legacy of a slasher series that boasts ten awful sequels thus far. In fact, a Friday The 13th remake is one of the safest bets imaginable, and paired with a release date nobody's likely to forget - the day before Valentine's, no less - t...

Review: My Bloody Valentine 3D

A few months back, I reviewed a film called Scar 3D. It sucked, not only because it was a terrible movie, but because it was a terrible waste of genuinely exciting technology - 3D specs have been around for yonks, but it's only now that films are being /shot/ in three dimensions. Aside from a cool scene with 3D tits, I argued th...

Review: Scar 3D

Listen up, proles! 3D cinema is here and it's going to drag your two-dimensional, technologically-inferior arse kicking and screaming into the 21st century whether you like it or not. Films will no longer be confined to a flat screen; a 3D Zac Efron will take every opportunity to grind his package in your face; perverts will fin...

Review: Saw V

A Saw movie at Halloween? Whatever next, a Michael Bay movie with explosions? Here we have a horror series that jumped (and tortured) the shark years ago; a fifth instalment of a franchise that shouldn't have been allowed to stumble out of trilogy town - heck, the main character died two movies ago and they're still pumping out ...

Review: The Strangers

"Why are you doing this to us?" asks Liv Tyler's tearful victim. "Because you were home," says her tormentor. If that sounds like the beginning of my Funny Games review, that's because The Strangers shares many a sensibility with Michael Haneke's clinical exercise in torture - both films feature a house-bound couple being terror...

Review: All The Boys Love Mandy Lane

The teen slasher market is so damn saturated these days, you'd better have a hook if you want to catch my attention. It's clear from minute one that All The Boys Love Mandy Lane has nothing in its corner apart from an unfeasibly attractive lead in Amber Heard. Apparently the Weinsteins sliced and diced this picture over a year a...

Review: Saw IV

The first thing you see in Saw IV is Jigsaw's balls. A sign of things to come? Most definitely. Despite the death of cinema's favourite ironic punisher, his work will live on - a mysterious tape concealed in the deceased's gut will see to that - but sadly the people tasked with continuing his legacy have done a bit of a slapdash...

Review: Halloween

"I got a call from my agent and they asked me if I wanted to be involved in the remake of The Texas Chainsaw Massacre. I said no fucking way! I feel it's the worst thing any filmmaker can do. Those movies are perfect - you're only going to make yourself look like an asshole by remaking them." Rob Zombie, 2002 Man... talk abou...

Review: Captivity

Poor old Elisha Cuthbert has made a career out of getting kidnapped, chased and held at the mercy of a madman, so it's no surprise to see her playing the damsel in distress once more. This time, she's on the receiving end of some serious punishment in Roland Joffe's Captivity - a fairly straightforward thriller featuring some s...