Review: The Unborn

Can we get a moratorium on horror films featuring scary children? Pale-faced kids are ten-a-penny and ceased being scary around about the time The Grudge started to get old (that's about eight years ago for anyone still counting). The Unborn is the latest chiller to put faith in a pint-sized spook, but it's a film so desperately...

Review: Bride Wars

Despite what Grazia, Cosmopolitan and Glamour magazines say, despite the reviews of Alan 'Four Stars!' Frank, despite what half of women-kind seem to think – wedding comedies are just not very good. Why? Because the target audience of misty-eyed girls who go damp at the sight of diamonds and tiaras are too busy cooing over the f...

Review: Scar 3D

Listen up, proles! 3D cinema is here and it's going to drag your two-dimensional, technologically-inferior arse kicking and screaming into the 21st century whether you like it or not. Films will no longer be confined to a flat screen; a 3D Zac Efron will take every opportunity to grind his package in your face; perverts will fin...

Review: The Happening

Plot a graph of M Night Shyamalan’s career and you could pick up quite a speed sledding to the bottom. He started on a high with The Sixth Sense and the underrated Unbreakable, but somewhere around the 80 minute mark in Signs, Night started his inexorable decline. The Village? Lady In The Water? Twaddle of the highest order. And...

Review: All The Boys Love Mandy Lane

The teen slasher market is so damn saturated these days, you’d better have a hook if you want to catch my attention. It’s clear from minute one that All The Boys Love Mandy Lane has nothing in its corner apart from an unfeasibly attractive lead in Amber Heard. Apparently the Weinsteins sliced and diced this picture over a year a...

Review: Licence To Wed

Fellas, I’m sorry - I got totally pussy-whipped. When you spend the summer watching robots kick the crap out of each other and Bruce Willis fighting jet planes, then you’ve got to pencil in a little time for the ladies. Romantic comedies are necessary evils for boys – you turn up at the girlfriend’s request, zone out for an hour...

Review: Hannibal Rising

Turning Anthony Hopkins’ most memorable performance into a pretentious Jason Voorhees takes a certain, rather considerable ability. Hannibal Rising is the work of an undoubted artistic vandal: it's not an intriguing character study into the mundanity of evil. It's just an exercise in the inanity of evil. Perhaps what is mor...

Review: White Noise: The Light

Let’s face it, without crappy sequels to bitch about, the internet would be a desolate wasteland populated by bright young teens exchanging smileys and looking at pictures of kittens – shite movies are why we’re here. The fact that movies like White Noise: The Light exist is not what rankles me, rather the fact that they’re see...

Review: The Grudge 2

This site is holding a particular grudge of its own at the moment, what with our recent rant on the ubiquity of sequels and remakes. There’s one dude out there who’s perhaps more guilty of such crimes than anyone else on the planet, and he shows no signs of slowing; his name is Takashi Shimizu and he’s the man behind the recent...

Review: Spotlight On Seagal: Today You Die

If ever there was a movie that needed an exclamation mark after its title, it’s this one. If Steven Seagal had used his considerable weight to get the director to rename it Today You Die! then at least it would go some way to explaining all the unintentional laughs it contains. Instead, the solemn-faced title marks yet another...