Trailer breakdown: Ender's Game ain't hella lame
8th May 2013
Up until now, Ender's Game only existed as a best-selling book, as words written in ink on paper, stored on shelves. No longer! It's a proper film now and it has a trailer, so you can learn to read another day! Enjoy our trailer breakdown, in which we tell you what to think.
0:01 - So here we go with the trailer for Ender's GamOH MY GOD THE MPAA CHANGED THEIR TRAILER FONT. This is MASSIVE. Who even cares about Bender's Game or whatever?
0:08 - You had my curiosity.... Now you have my attention.
0:11 - "They know our strategies..." says Harrison Ford, talking about the swarming alien threat. In the film they're called 'The Formic'. In the book, they were derogatively called 'Buggers'. I should point out now that author Scott Orson Card is quite a nasty homophobe. Seriously.
0:15 - "They know our weaknesses..." Those alien fiends discovered that our planes aren't immune to exploding spectacularly. Those BASTARDS.
0:22 - "The alien attack nearly destroyed us," says Ford, mulling over the words 'alien attack' like a particularly irritating ulcer. "That must never be allowed to happen again." Same goes for that haircut, Hal.
0:39 - VIOLA DAVIS IS IN UR SPACE LAB, LOOKIN AT UR BRAIN SCAN
0:42 - Action set-piece alert! This appears to be Battle School, where prodigious young soldier-in-waiting Ender (Asa Butterfield) hones his skills, ready to take on the alien assaults and - spoiler - save the universe, probably. I dunno. Haven't read the book. Is it good?
0:47 - Look, it's the Formic's mothership. It looks dead intimidating, but I bet it's a motherfucker to parallel park. If only George Lucas was directing this, we'd have several minutes of footage of the ship taking off, then landing again, then taking off again, then landing somewhere else.
0:49 - Official: Asa Butterfield has an eerily symmetrical face. Also, his philtrum is crazy deep. Like, Death Star trench deep.
0:57 - I'm assuming this means something to someone. I'm too busy laughing at the fact the hero of this movie has the surname 'Wiggin'. When he ends radio communications, does he have to sign off 'Wiggin out'?
1:01 - Our first look at Ben Kingsley's trainer Mazer Rackham. Rackham fell asleep on a newspaper the morning before his interview at the International Military and only realised his goof after he got the job. He's had to sleep face down in the Daily Mail every night since, because it'd be way too embarrassing to admit now.
1:08 - This bit looks quite nice. Like Vin Diesel's Riddick might pop up for a quick cameo. "Ride or die," he'd growl, then he'd drive off in a car made of jagged rock that's powered by sand and fear.
1:12 - Look, it's Academy Award-nominee Hailee Steinfeld! She appears alongside Academy Award-nominee Harrison Ford, Academy Award-nominee Viola Davis, Academy Award-nominee Abigail Breslin, Academy Award-winner Ben Kingsley and plain old Asa Butterfield, who has never been nominated for any award, let alone an Oscar. RUBBISH.
1:20 - "You really don't see them as children, do you?" says Davis of Ford's Colonel Graff. Really hoping his character steers clear of the 'Operation Yewtree' vibe I'm getting here.
1:27 - Jazz hands!
1:30 - Oh shit this thing is exploding whatever it is!
1:35 - In the future, all well-behaved little space soldiers get rewarded with a bit of Wii time.
1:36 - "Which one of you fuckers beat my Wii Sports high score?"
1:37 - A close-up shot of Asa Butterfield's cavernous philtrum.
1:42 - Ender's Game is quite a weak title really, isn't it? They should have called it 'Space Wars' or 'Aliens Vs Child Soldiers' or 'Wiggin Out: The Ender The Road' or something like that.