Trailer breakdown: Guardians Of
Ga'Hoole The Galaxy
21st February 2014
You haven't properly seen the first teaser for Marvel's Guardians Of The Galaxy until you've seen my step-by-step analysis, which mainly consists of cries for help, fashion queries and unforgivable inaccuracy. Still, I do know one thing: raccoons are EEEEEEE! (*clutches hands beneath chin in girlish glee*)
00:08 - Haha, look it's Burt Macklin, FBI! Parks & Recreation LOL! Everything is awesome! Lego LOL! (I'm going to go ahead and use this first caption to dump all my Chris Pratt references, then we can move on. I'll be, like, ten minutes tops).
00:19 - I know I say this about a lot of characters in a lot of movies, but damn, that is a sweet jacket. I could never pull off a red leather jacket. Just one of the many mini-tragedies of my life.
00:25 - Look, it's Djimon Hounsou, the less successful brother of Pokémon Hounsou. (I literally don't expect a single person to get this joke).
00:45 - Here's wrestler Dave Batista as Drax The Destroyer aka Crusty Hulk. Let's all take a moment to notice the lovely typography overlaid on this image and all the little meaningless graphs and readouts at the bottom. The future sure does suck for people with poor eyesight.
00:47 - And here is Third-Degree Burns Hulk looking in the other direction.
00:48 - John C Reilly and Peter Serafinowicz bring the comedy chops. Click on their glowing chest icons to share this trailer with your friends.
00:52 - This is Gamora, striker for Queens Park Rangers and former forward for Fulham and West Ham. He started his football career at Bristol Rovers but got noticed at Brighton & Hove Albion, where 77 goals over three seasons managed to secure his team two successive promotions. Ah... hang on. I'm thinking of Bobby Zamora. My bad. Totally different. Gamora is an assassin or something and also she's green because aliens are green, dummy.
00:58 - The brilliant thing about the introduction of Rocket Raccoon is that no one mentions or even recognises the fact that he is, in fact, a raccoon.
01:03 - Way to plant, Vin!
01:20 - Where do you suppose one gets a sweet jacket like that in space? Do they have intergalactic Westfields with Worlds Of Leather in? Or whatever the fashionable equivalent of World Of Leather is? Oh god, World Of Leather is a sofa warehouse and not a clothing store, isn't it? I've thoroughly embarrassed myself.
01:33 - Ainsley Harriot chills out between takes.
01:44 - This reminds me, I never did get around to watching Escape Plan.
01:45 - There is so much money in this money shot this movie has already out-grossed 47 Ronin. Also, that's some A-grade cowering from Frightened Inmate #2 up in the top right corner.
01:46 - Ever since Chris Hemsworth's landmark contract, it's written in to every Marvel deal that every male lead must appear shirtless and glistening. Just wait until they make Paul Rudd generate Nude Tayne in Ant-Man.
01:47 - Zoe Saldana is fast cornering the market in sexy aliens who are a colour that isn't pink.
01:48 - Getting Ender's Game vibes from this shot. PASS.
01:49 - I'm not sure if this is Nebula as played by Karen Gillan from Doctor Who, or Gillan as played by Karen Nebula from Doctor Who. One of them is probably correct. Either way, it's a bald chick with sticks and a tiny hatch in her head. Nice purple tunic. Where do you suppose one gets... oh, never mind.
01:51 - BOOM!
01:54 - "Liberace will return in... Behind The Candelabra: 2999."
01:55 - Yeah. No. I definitely could never wear this jacket.
01:56 - Partially Sun-Damaged Hulk sure has pretty eyes.
01:58 - This film is going to do for raccoons what the TV cartoon 'The Raccoons' did for raccoons.
01:59 - Stargate: The Rocketeer Years. (P.S. Dear Star-Lord, no one is at their most battle ready with their legs that far apart. I can practically see what you had for breakfast, dude).
02:03 - "What a bunch of A-holes." This line makes me so much more excited for Guardians Of The Galaxy than I ever was for The Avengers.
02:05 - Be right back, off to drown my cats and adopt a raccoon.
02:16 GUYS IT WENT TERRIBLY THE RACCOON BIT ME I THINK IT WAS INFECTED AND NOW THE ROOM IS SPINNING