Trailer breakdown: RoboCop aka the roboplegic wrong-cop
8th September 2013
RoboCop - he insists you capitalise the 'C' because he's so insecure - has had his system rebooted. Here's your first look at RoboCop 2.0 (or I dunno, 8.1 or whatever, I can't keep up with all the RoboCop sequels and TV series and cartoons) with Joel Kinnaman as the man in the machine and Abbie Cornish as the woman he loves. Let's be honest, this looks exactly how you'd expect a 12A RoboCop movie to look i.e. about as good as RobertCop.
00:07 - It's the near future! You can tell because there are biped robots patrolling the streets and robot planes patrolling the skies slightly above the streets, foiling all of those low altitude aerial crimes.
00:08 - Well helloooo real footage insert, a surefire sign that this 12A rated action blockbuster will also contain a fair amount of social commentary. Well, I say a fair amount; this shot is probably all of it.
00:12 - Omar squintin', yo.
00:17 - The future of law enforcement doesn't know which way round to hold his mobile phone. This might be a bad omen.
00:19 - Nick Fury: The Blazer Years.
00:23 - In the year 2028, ties will be square. A TERRIFYING VISION OF THINGS TO COME.
00:27 - "So as you can see from this schematic, the Combat model has a Noise of 23, a Reduction of 41 and the face of Peter Weller. Also, I filled that space in the top right with the word 'COMBAT' written in the Impact font, which is even more ubiquitous now than ever."
00:32 - Oh, what larks our hero has with his family! I've seen so many 'portentous kiss goodbye' scenes in cop movies I'm now genuinely afraid to kiss my wife goodbye every morning, in case I get kidnapped by terrorists or 9/11 happens again.
00:36 - SEE.
00:44 - "You know Jerry, sometimes I wonder how high the rent must be on a laboratory this large. We only use, like, 10% of the space. If we moved into a smaller office, we could probably save enough money to build six new hospitals." "You're right, Alan. But I like this room because it is so shiny."
01:01 - "ROBOCOP STRUGGLING TO FIND EMOTICONS FOR MASSIVE REALISATION. ACTING NOT FOUND."
01:09 - "ROBOCOP WAS TOLD HUGH LAURIE WOULD BE IN THIS MOVIE."
01:17 - "ROBOCOP STARTING TO FEEL A LITTLE SILLY."
01:26 - Face detection software in the future: still a massive pain in the arse.
01:29 - "AT LEAST ROBOCOP STILL HAVE SWEET RIDE. COMPARISONS WITH KNIGHT RIDER DO NOT COMPUTE."
01:34 - How the fuck is anyone, cyborg or not, supposed to read that on-screen text in the bottom right?
01:37 - "ROBOCOP FIND TIME IN BUSY SCHEDULE PREVENTING CRIME TO BOND WITH YOUNG SON IN MISGUIDED EMOTIONAL MOMENT. ROBOCOP NEW MOVIE TRULY CONTAIN SOMETHING FOR EVERYONE."
01:42 - "ROBOCOP STILL FIND TIME TO TREAT SELF WITH SPRAY TAN. FUTURE OF LAW ENFORCEMENT NEED TO LOOK GOOD ON PATROL. ROBOCOP SPEECH PATTERN ALSO STUCK ON 'HULK' FOR SOME REASON."
01:46 - People getting shot on rooftops: the only thing Jose Padilha's RoboCop will have in common with Elite Squad 2.
01:48 - Is that a gun in your pocket or are you just a half-man half-machine police officer with the illusion of free will who is upholding the law but also acting as a deterrent to future criminals etc etc.
01:49 - RoboCop lands an undoubtedly impressive jump off a wall that is clearly only about eight feet high. Shut up, crime!
01:55 - "Somehow he's overwriting the system's priorities..." Presumably because you are a terrible, terrible programmer.
02:00 - "ROBOCOP SUCCESSFULLY IDENTIFIED DIFFERENT BITS OF BURNING CAR. REQUESTING FINISH EARLY TONIGHT."
02:02 - You're looking at the solution to peace in the Middle East. Please God let this be the actual explanation in the film, complete with a fake news headline: "ISRAEL/PALESTINE CONFLICT SOLVED BY ROBOTS".
02:10 - "Dead or alive, you're coming with me!" Yeah. No.