10 actors more suited to voice Rocket Raccoon than Bradley Cooper

According to web reports filed by internet elves, handsome actor and man Bradley Cooper is poised to play the role that all of Hollywood is hankering after: Rocket Raccoon in Marvel's Guardians Of The Galaxy. Take it from me, the guy who has never read a comic: I've got 10 guys here that could wipe the floor with Bradley Cooper's vocal chords. Eww.

Edit: Fuck you, Ben Affleck. This took, like, two hours.

Guardians Of The Galaxy is the movie I'm most excited about in 2014, because so much of it is an unknown quantity. Talking trees? Machine gun-toting raccoons? John C Reilly in space? I can safely say, without one iota of proof, that it'll be either one of the most balls-out bonkers blockbuster hits of the summer, or the most fascinating failure in Marvel's history.

Just one thing is bugging me so far, and it's the voice of Rocket Raccoon. It looks like Bradley Cooper is almost certain to play the role, but given how varied and refreshing director James Gunn's casting has been up until now, it feels like a misstep - or at least a token big name to put on the poster.

I mean, I ain't no homo or nuffink, I know Bradley Cooper is a remarkably attractive man. But is there anything remarkable about his voice? It's not like he has a recognisable timbre or a particularly interesting sound. He just sounds like a normal, talking man. Here are 10 other guys who I reckon - and remember, I haven't read a single Guardians comic so I know what I'm talking about - would make a much better Rocket Raccoon.
Danny DeVito



He's short. He's hirsuite. He's probably available. Danny DeVito is everything I want from a talking, angry raccoon, now that I think about it. He's got the right attitude and a nice, hacky voice to cough it right all up in your face. I can't imagine Bradley Cooper getting all up in anything.

Match the voice to the picture!


Vin Diesel



Diesel is probably involved in Guardians Of The Galaxy, possibly as the talking tree, Groot - a character who only has one line: "Groot". You and I both know Vin Diesel's voice is the sound of God's carburetter and it'd be a terrible shame to waste him on a bit of shrubbery. 'Coon him!

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Nick Nolte



At some point in his late 50s, Nick Nolte decided he wasn't going to cough any more. The resulting ball of phlegm has grown to around 20lbs and is lodged deep in the actor's throat; every syllable he utters is filtered through it and emerges coated in spittle. In short: he's perfect.

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Harvey Fierstein



In the flesh, he's a big cuddly teddy bear, who's vocal on gay rights, religion and other things you wouldn't necessarily relate to a 3-foot talking space raccoon. Sans visuals, however, and Harvey Fierstein's iconic voice is like belching fire and brimstone. He'd probably be cheap, too.

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H. Jon Benjamin



If I can't have John DiMaggio because Adventure Time's bendy dog Jake is too similar, then I'll take Archer voice actor H Jon Benjamin: the most sarcastic voice in the universe. Rocket Raccoon would probably be a little sarcastic, I reckon. I mean, he's not going to be Oscar Wilde.

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Peter Dinklage



He's tiny, angry and talented. What more do you want? There is a limit to how much effort I am willing to put into this feature, you know.

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Nick Offerman



Admittedly, the man behind Ron Swanson does have a visual advantage with his fine face fuzz - it helps me get into a raccoon mindset - but Offerman's vocals are sardonic and iconic. Do raccoons eat bacon and eggs? I think they do. Advantage: Swanson Offerman.

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Idris Elba



He's great at shouting, he can do a US accent and he's smoked enough clown-ass motherfuckers in The Wire to prove his hardness. Also he's starred opposite Nicolas Cage in Ghost Rider 2 so voicing an intergalactic raccoon with an automatic weapon is a fairly normal day on set for him.

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Bobcat Goldthwait



Listen to the sound file below, stare at the raccoon picture and tell me honestly you still think that noise came from a human being.

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Frank Welker



Why? Oh, maybe something to do with his 697 voice credits on IMDb; a number which rises faster every week than my own Twitter followers. He's Scooby-Doo, Megatron, Nibbler, Slimer from Ghostbusters and Uni from Dungeons & Dragons? Sod Rocket Raccoon, I want him to be my Dad.

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Ooh, ooh! What about Tom Waits? Let's pretend I went to the effort of finding a picture and sound file of him too.