10 Ways To Make X3 Great

I, like you, am eagerly awaiting the third (and apparently final) X-Men movie this summer, and maybe like you, am also concerned that things look like they might be going down the shitter. As well as all the trouble with directors - Bryan Singer departed, Matthew Vaughn bailed, Brett Ratner has a less-than-distinguished CV - there are all kinds of rumours about studio interference and actors kicking up a fuss about the size of their parts. It's all smelling a bit whiffy at the moment - did you see this poster yet? - but here's hoping the good people at Marvel and Fox follow this small guide and include these ten things that will make X-Men: The Last Stand worthy of being the final movie of the trilogy.

1. THE DANGER ROOM
Jesus Christ, if the Danger Room isn't included in the third X-Men movie, then I'll walk home in a strop and register my displeasure on the internet within seconds. For those of you who don't have your noses buried in the comic books all year round, the Danger Room is a huge holographic chamber at Xavier Mansion that's used as a training room, where our favourite mutants can test their superpowers. Or, to put it another way, it's the perfect excuse to have a huge, free-reign, million-dollar action sequence that doesn't have to be tied into any plotlines. It's inclusion would guarantee the cinema floors will be dripping in fanboy sweat, but I get the feeling it'll be skipped over yet again. Prove me wrong.

2. ENOUGH WITH THE WOLVERINE
He's everyone's favourite character, I get it. He's mean, he's moody, he's got metal shit coming out of his hands, I can see the attraction. But do we really want more scenes of Wolverine wrestling with his past and yearning to find out his true self? Isn't that sort of stuff better suited to chat shows on UKLiving? He's at his best when he's making smartass quips and kicking all kinds of shit out of people, not when he looks like he'd be more comfortable in a therapist's chair. Restrict his part to one of the main team members and let's see how Hugh Jackman handles not being centre stage for once - personally, I think he'd work much better with less screen time. Besides, he's got his own movie coming out soon, give some of the others a shot at the big time.

3. DON'T LET VINNIE JONES SAY OR DO ANYTHING
Guy Ritchie has a lot of things to answer for, but his most heinous crime is surely kickstarting ex-footballer Vinnie Jones' movie career. His best, post Lock Stock part to date? A mute henchman in Gone in 60 Seconds, which tells you all you need to know. He's playing Juggernaut, a big fuck-off man-mountain of a guy, so hopefully he'll be required to grunt on demand, run through a few walls and stand behind Magneto and look menacing. Anything more would be asking for trouble.

4. GIVE US SOME GOOD NEW CHARACTERS...
Personally I thought the balance in X-Men 2 was about right - they introduced characters like Colossus (the metal dude) and Shadowcat (the little girl who runs through the wall) without a trumpet fanfare, and it made people go wild. Nightcrawler's addition was excellent and never felt awkward, and Lady Deathstrike was one of the better female villains I've seen for a while. What we need are some good additions to both sides that add new dimensions to both teams, because let's face it; no one really gives a shit about Rogue and Iceman getting it on any more. Getting Frasier on board as Beast was a good start, and Angel has awesome potential, even if he does look like an actor from a GAP advert.

5. ...BUT NOT TOO MANY
However, I get the feeling that director Brett Ratner will try and appease fans of the comics by including too many new characters and will over-egg the mutant pudding; currently scheduled to appear for the first time (as well as those already mentioned) are Leech, Multiple Man, Psylocke, Omega Red, Callisto, Quill, Arclight, Siryn... the list goes on and on. Whether or not Ratner can manage to squeeze all these new characters in without it being an empty gesture remains to be seen, but I'm guessing there'll be a lot of 'who the fuck is this guy?'-type questions being thrown around by newcomers to the series.

6. THINK CAJUN, THINK GAMBIT
My experience of the X-Men is limited to reading some of my brother's comics, watching the cartoon series as a kid (okay, as a teenager) and loving the films, but I still realise that Gambit is the coolest motherfucker in the whole Marvel universe. How can you not love a Cajun thief who chucks cards at people and carries around a big stick? Systematically erase Daredevil from everyone's minds, get Colin Farrell in to do a crappy Noo Orleans accent, and you'll have a character that's just as iconic as Wolverine (and tonnes more flamboyant too).

7. LEARN FROM BRYAN SINGER
What this dude has done should not be forgotten: he pretty much single-handedly created the superhero movie genre with the original X-Men movie. Singer got the best from his characters, not by exploiting them and their super powers but by revealing them to be interesting characters and not just an excuse for some cheap special effects. However, maybe it's time to knock the obvious homosexual subtext on the head - left to his own devices, Singer may well have had Magneto and Professor X gaying it up and Beast dressed in pink leather pyjamas. Oh, wait... that last one already happened. Damn.

8. FUCK THE BUDGET, JUST GO MENTAL
Some would argue that the X-Men franchise (I'm just shuddering at that word) is the hottest current action franchise at the moment, and I'm inclined to agree with them. This movie will make several million dollars in cinemas and will kill on DVD, so Fox will have absolutely nothing to worry about regarding budgetary comebacks - all the more reason to spend it on fantastic set-pieces, huge battle sequences and decent quality CGI (all the trailer suggests is a big bridge falling down). May I be so bold as to suggest the inclusion of the gigantic Sentinels in some small way? I know the plot is about a cure for the mutant 'disease' but is giant killer robots too much to ask for from a superhero movie?

9. AN ENDING
If you're going to subtitle your movie The Last Stand, then for God's sake, fucking mean it. There are hundreds and hundreds of storylines out there that could easily be picked up for future movies, so when Ratner says this will be the last X-Men movie, it's difficult to believe him (especially when cast members have spoken about being signed up for X4 and X5). However, if this is to be one final fling, then give us some closure and don't dare leave a question mark hanging over the whole series - by leaving questions unanswered and plotlines unfinished, you're practically asking the geeks to write fan fiction.

10. KILL PROFESSOR X
I'm only saying what everyone is thinking. It's all well and good having psychic powers, but I'd still beat you in a running race, and that makes you a crap superhero (bet he's crap at table tennis, too). It's been well-documented that at least one major character will die - some Google digging will no doubt tell you who it is - but let's hope it's the whinging old baldy who cops it. It's an obvious move to knock him off, yeah, but a wise one as well; not only would it make for a good ending (how will the X-Men cope without their leader? etc.) but it'll be a ballsy ploy and would certainly make for a tearjerking scene. Professor X should become Professor Ex. Or Storm. Kill Storm.

Agree? Disagree? I'll be back in May with the review to see if my sage advice has been heeded, but even a good five out of ten suggestions of the above would make for a rockin' movie. The thought of a kickass, balls-out, ultimate X-Men movie gets me hard, frankly, and I know you're getting a semi too. Let us hope and pray together than it's done justice, because if not, I can see Fox Studios being swarmed by a large collection of apoplectic geeks with placards (collective noun: a chatroom?) and the death of one of my favourite movie series of recent history. I'll be right at the front, burning the effigy of Professor X. Ali