20 exciting and totally achievable ways the DC Universe can rebuild

Ali Gray

17th September 2018

The DC universe is broken. Henry Cavill is done with Superman. Ben Affleck is too goth even for Batman and reportedly wants an escape route. Wonder Woman accidentally became the most successful one and now all the men at the studio have no idea what to do with her. And Aquaman... exists. Forget whatever humanitarian crises the Fake News Media are pushing on you this week: we need to focus our efforts on figuring out how to fix these adult manbaby movie franchises, and STAT. These 20 ideas to fix the DCCU by yours truly are a start, but frankly, I'm not hearing anything coming from your end. Is this thing even on?

Make Jon Hamm play Batman, even if he doesn't want to

Triple the number of social media mentions Aquaman is getting by renaming it AQUAMAN AQUAMAN AQUAMAN

Have the cast members all grow facial hair which can later be digitally removed at great expense so suddenly the Henry Cavill moustache farrago looks like it was a trendsetter

If Ben Affleck doesn't want to play Batman any more, give him his pick of the remaining premium DC superheroes like, uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh

Let Wonder Woman do whatever it is she wants to do, honestly, you can't tell women anything these days, can you, or you get called a rapist, don't you?

I have never laid with a girl, but here's what's wrong with them 1) In this caption I will

Do you guys do the X-Men? Look into whether or not you have the X-Men and if so maybe do those

Shoehorn all live-action characters into the Teen Titans Go universe and just act like that was the plan all along, then walk off nonchalantly while whistling an inconspicuous tune

Hope that the ironic veneration of bad superhero movies has evolved to the point where Ryan Reynolds' Green Lantern is actually considered good now

Before casting the new Superman, first work on rebuilding America's fractured psyche, reach across the party divide to unite its people and fix its broken political, judicial and healthcare systems while eradicating the rampant sexism, racism and classism that remains, and only then, when the United States is healed, cast Zac Efron

Finally make that wicked cool Slipknot spin-off the fans all want to see

This thing writes itself! [five minutes later] Hey, wait a minute, this thing is terrible!

Release the Snyder Cut, or if the Snyder Cut does not exist, release the footage of the meeting where Jared Leto was first informed of the new Joaquin Phoenix Joker movie

If Aquaman is a success, make all future DC movies take place underwater

Cast the cut-price third Hemsworth brother to star in a new cosmic superhero franchise: THUNDORR THE SPACE LORD

Coming soon: Edward Norton's THE INCREDIBLE HANK

Make it so that The Flash can run so fast he can technically outrun bad reviews

Eat my dust, Rotten Tomatoes' critical consensus!

It's a little bit controversial so stay with me, it's a bit out there, but what if - and guys, I'm just spitballing here - but what if Wonder Woman lezzed out with- no, it's fine, it's fine, you don't like it, that's fine, we'll move onto the next one

Cultivate a faction of whiny and entitled super-fans who are so moronic, their pathetic demands actually make people sympathise with a multi-billion dollar corporation

Hmm, I just wrote here in my notes 'Cyborg?'. That's it. Does that mean anything to anyone?

Try and replicate Marvel's successful cinematic universe business model, but take shortcuts to avoid taking risks instead of diligently putting in the groundwork, cast actors who look like they actively resent being paid to dress in silly costumes and instead of hiring unique voices in the fields of filmmaking and screenwriting, get a bunch of Hollywood hacks to fast-forward a bunch of franchises until they become intolerable before they've even had a chance to become boring- oh, wait, you already tried that one

If all else fails, commission a bunch more movies where Margot Robbie plays a sexy baby

Next week: rebooting Universal's Dark Universe so it'll have more than one movie.

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