20 reasons why, actually, a Popular Movie Oscar is a good thing, actually

Ali Gray

8th August 2018

Exciting news in the world of the Academy Awards, the most exciting academy awards there are!

Changes are coming to the Oscars! Beginning next year, the Academy Awards telecast will run at a nice, tight three hours. Cool! From 2020, the Oscars will take place earlier in awards season, February 9th to be precise. Coolio! Oh, and at next year's ceremony, they're going to give an award to the 'Most Popular' movie. Cool. Cool cool cool. Congratulations I guess to Black Panther for winning next year's 'Good Job, Little Buddy' Oscar for Most Bestest Blockbuster.

We all react badly to change. Some of us have already unleashed our hot takes on the world. Some of us froth, FROTH, at the thought of the Oscars deciding what is and isn't popular. It'll never work! It's playing to the cheap seats! It's devaluing the artistic integrity of the MTV Movie Awards! HUSH. The Most Popular Oscar award might just be a masterstroke, and here are 20 reasons why.
Slim chance that Marvel Cinematic Universe actors Tilda Swinton and Robert Redford might show up to ceremony

Movies that only your auntie see in cinemas finally in with shot of awards glory

Benedict Cumberbatch’s two disparate friendship groups now forced to mingle

Nominees for Most Popular Movie encouraged to administer noogies, dead legs and wet willies to technical award winners during ad breaks

Golden Globes to dumb down even further in response, if only that were possible

"Ricky, we need you, but can you be even more predictably offensive?"

Former comperes James Franco and Anne Hathaway to be vindicated for their newly revised, forward-thinking and revolutionary hosting methods

Most Popular Movie Oscar to be sponsored by Sprite, meaning all Academy members in with pretty good shot of getting a free Sprite

DC can stop making terrible movies "for fans" now that serious awards recognition on table

Controversy surrounding new award to successfully distract from fact industry’s most prestigious awards ceremony held in mall

Always nice to see Chadwick Boseman

Chadwick Boseman, ladies and gentlemen!

Viewers might take it upon selves to discuss meaningless notion of popularity itself, becoming better people in process

Audiences to delight at sight of Warren Beatty attempting awkward small talk with young cast of Power Rangers

Ryan Seacrest finally able to interview stars on red carpet at level he feels comfortable with

Gotti just doubled chances of success

No longer too much for Jack Nicholson to ask to get some goddamn fresh poon in the room

"Jackie likes what Jackie sees."

Increased amount of nominated movie titles featuring colons and Roman numerals to improve nation’s overall understanding of punctuation and numeracy

Steven Spielberg forced into mad, Mrs Doubtfire-style dash between two tables at Oscar luncheon in dual roles as director of serious Holocaust drama and producer of Transformers sequel

Johnny Depp officially now neither critically acclaimed or popular

Nothing bad ever happened appealing to blue-collar citizens who feel their values aren’t being represented by liberal elites

No one talking about Harvey Weinstein any more

It's okay everyone, we're moving towards the inevitable future whereby the Oscars ceremony lasts 45 seconds and is broadcast exclusively on Snapchat. Whatever that is.

More:  Oscars
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