28 things that other actors should now try to win an Oscar

Matt Looker

29th February 2016

Well done, Leo. After 25 years in the industry and 6 nominations, you have finally won an Oscar, and all it took was an epic feat of endurance, a disgusting loss of dignity and an entire internet's worth of pity.

But this meme-ruining turn of events has also set a dangerous precedent. With Leo having tried everything in the past to get a statue, we now know exactly what it took for him to finally get his grubby, frostbitten hands on one: eating raw flesh and sleeping in dead animals.

So, whatever the role, whatever the context, actors now know that they can give up on finessing their performance and instead concentrate on carrying out some shocking and extreme act that in some way 'informs their character' or whatever. But also mostly for the publicity. Here are some suggestions for things actors can do to ensure future Oscar success:
1. Fuck an antelope.

2. Have a knife fight with a killer whale.

3. Survive on nothing but piss and fingernails for a month.

4. Deliberately forget how to read.

5. Completely drain their own body of blood and replace it with coffee.

6. Spend six weeks engulfed in flames.

7. Wrestle a pit of snakes.

8. Spend several years training their body to produce pancake mix.

9. Walk around with their eyes closed and their arms out-stretched for six months.

10. Get shot in the face with a human cannonball.

11. Compete in underground bum fight tournaments until national champion.

12. Stay locked in a room painted entirely red without moving a single muscle for 18 months.

13. Get a face tattoo of Winston Churchill's face.

14. Eat a baby.

15. Learn to kill a man with their thoughts.

16. Live as a horse for two years.

17. Have all major body parts and organs surgically removed until there's nothing left but a head on a spine attached to one lung and a hand.

18. 'Become' a tree.

19. Wear a beard of bees for four years.

20. Learn to play every instrument in the orchestra all at the same time at a virtuoso level.

21. Learn a new language and then improve on it.

22. Chew off their own fingers.

23. Go without blinking for 11 years.

24. Do a sex scene with Charlie Sheen.

25. Have their vocal chords surgically altered in order to convincingly pass as a steam engine.

26. Get frozen in ice for several decades for a role that is set several decades in the future.

27. Successfully transition into a pigeon.

28. Eat at a Greggs.
Remember me in your acceptance speeches, guys!

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