5 ideas for things that could be 'taken' in Taken 2


23rd March 2011

This is assuming that Maggie Grace isn't dumb enough to get kidnapped by European, drug-pushing sex-traffickers again.

So Liam Neeson has officially signed on to appear in a sequel to his surprise 2008 action-spy-kidnap thriller Taken, and Luc Besson is back on scripting duties, but what's next in store for the awesome killer-dad? For the title to make sense, surely something has to be taken again - but what? How about…
His job

Plot: As if his no-qualms murdering spree across Europe in the first film wasn't enough of a clue, it turns out that Liam Neeson's ex-CIA spy Bryan Mills is a MASSIVE RACIST who is outraged when he is overlooked for a new security job in favour of a hardworking and cheaper-to-employ Mexican fella. Incensed by the increase of migrant workers within his profession, Neeson goes on a rampage, shooting anyone who looks vaguely Hispanic and muttering “Coming over here, taking our jobs, taking our women…well no more!”.

Most likely to say: “I have a particular set of skills; skills I have acquired over a long career…and now I can't use any of them because they've given my job to Pedro.”
His slippers and TV remote

Plot: Now that his daughter is safe from trigger-happy drug dealers and sex-crazed yacht-owners, Liam Neeson can go back to his usual daily routine of just being a typical TV-dinner eating, armchair-reclining dad. Except some bastard has stolen his slippers and, worse still, the TV remote. Unable to get comfortable, and not knowing how to operate the DVD player manually, Neeson goes on a rampage in his efforts to hunt down the thief who stole his home luxuries. This culminates in a horrifyingly psychological climax as he discovers that, actually, he absent-mindedly took them into the kitchen to make tea and just left them there.

Most likely to say: “I have a particular set of Only Fools and Horses DVDs; DVDs I have acquired after a long queue at Tescos…and I want to watch them.”

Plot: After defeating an entire country's worth of crooks and scumbags, Liam Neeson finds himself so empowered with the moral high ground that he starts taking umbrage with anyone who even slightly steps outside of the law, declaring that they are “taking liberties” before snapping their necks. His growing self-righteousness reaches god-like proportions until, in a meta-twist, his own daughter points out that, ever since Star Wars Episode 1: The Phantom Menace, Neeson has been taking liberties with his own career, which sends the star into a shame spiral. To be concluded in Taken 3 - the plot of which will be determined by whether Taken 2 is good or utterly dreadful.

Most likely to say: “I have a particular set of standards; standards that have been slowly slipping over a long career…just look at Clash of the Titans.”
His virginity

Plot: When Neeson learns that he cannot be the biological father of Maggie Grace because he and his ex-wife never consummated their marriage, he discovers that, throughout his entire life, he has never once heard a reference to ‘sex' so didn't know that such a thing existed. Curious, the craggy virgin goes out to get laid, but upon waking the next morning, discovers that all his cool punch-kick skills are gone. Realising that his virginity is the source of all his awesomeness, and deciding that it's more important to be a kick-ass ex-spy than a horny old goat, Neeson has to track down the floozy that took his virginity and try to find a way to put it back.

Most likely to say: I have a particular set of skills; skills I have acquired over approximately 45 seconds of intense and clumsy lovemaking…and that's quite enough for me.”
The piss

Plot: Being a man of action and very few words, Liam Neeson meets his match in a ruthless cynic who refuses to physically fight him, preferring instead to just stand there shouting taunts of low-level abuse and sarcasm. Wanting to set a good example to his daughter by defending himself without resorting to violence, Neeson lamely tries to deflect each jibe as his tormenter's unimaginative roasting attracts a large crowd who all pitch in with their own insults. Things kick up a notch during the third act when a single tear rolls down Neeson's cheek…and everyone starts chanting ‘sissy' at him.

Most likely to say: “No, my particular set of skills have nothing to do with Riverdance or drinking Guinness. (*sigh*) And what does the potato famine have to do with anything?”

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