5 reasons why we don't stand a chance against invading aliens


10th March 2011

What's the most unrealistic part of any alien invasion movie? The science defying space travel? The silly rubber ET suits? Nope, it's the suggestion that the human race wouldn't be royally screwed if these little green bastards ever decided to attack us.

Oh sure, Hollywood will have us believe that a tough marine and a geeky scientist is all it takes to bring down an entire alien race, along with all their hundreds of brutal motherships, but let's be honest - these guys wouldn't travel all that way without the certain knowledge that they could kick our collective weak little butts. Oh, and they could. We'd become their organ-harvested human battery slaves within hours.

They already have superior spacecraft

While these critters have racked up unimaginable intergalactic light-year mileage, we're still slapping ourselves on the back for reaching the moon - that's the closest thing to us and it's not even a planet. And what do you think we can do when they reach our atmosphere? Even the stealthiest of stealth bombers packed full of nukes is going to be no match for a giant spaceship the size of Australia firing its super death ray exploder guns. We might as well save all our airplanes to evacuate everyone to Wales. They'll never think to look for us there.
We need a hero

It's a strategic fact that, in order to successfully defend ourselves against an alien onslaught, we'll need one person to lead the way and call the shots…for the entire world. Hollywood would suggest that Barack Obama is the man for the job, but surely we need someone more action-packed? Schwarzenegger seems a likely candidate but only if he turns out to really be a killer robot from the future, otherwise it's just embarrassing sending an old man to defend us. I say, as a last resort, we send Mel Gibson. Can you imagine how Racist Mel would react to invaders from another planet?
Choose your weapons

With airborne battles certain to lead to a one-sided thrashing on our parts, our only hope would be in some good old fashioned armed combat…except we'll be pitting our automatic rifles against the aliens' flesh-shredding laser phasers. Which of course they'll have: think about Predator, or District 9, hell, even Men in Black. Evil alien invaders are hardly going to leave their home planet with just a toothbrush and a suitcase full of hopes and dreams, are they? Now imagine their laughter as we use up all our ammunition and have to take a time out to reload our guns.
Biological advantages

What about unarmed combat? Forgetting the fact that alien blood, spit and sweat is probably made up of some corrosive, toxic acid, what chance do our best brawlers have against a 9-limbed creature with deadly venom coursing through its body? I don't care, you could pit Vin Diesel, Dwayne Johnson and Jason Statham against just one of their soldiers and we'll be left with a pile of human bones and stubble. Of course they'll each be floored by a sucker punch - that's an alien fist with a sucker on the end of it that'll slurp up their brains and chew on them.
We can't even defend against the weather

Imagine everything you've known thrown into utter chaos and turmoil; entire networks shutting down and all manner of vehicles left abandoned. Oh that's right, we don't need to imagine it - it's happened a few times already in the last couple of years thanks to an unexpected bit of snow. Seriously, government officials, how do you expect us to cope with a full-on planetary war when the first sight of unusual weather sends us running home to put the kettle on and call in sick to work?

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