Andrew Garfield ceases to exist

Ali Gray

23rd June 2015

The actor Andrew Garfield vanished into thin air today, as all traces of the British 31-year-old evaporated and his collective atoms were forgotten for ever more. "Andrew who?" said an onlooker.

Andrew Garfield no longer exists, reports have claimed. The supposed actor, who appeared in over 20 movies and TV shows which no one is now able to recall, had begun to show signs of disappearing as recently as this morning, when he told family members he was "feeling insignificant" and "not necessary".

By lunchtime, Garfield had begun disintegrating at a molecular level, and was seen quizzically holding up an increasingly transparent hand in front of his face. By the early evening, Garfield had been completely deleted from history and was instantly forgotten by everyone who ever loved, hated or merely tolerated him.

Andrew Garfield, photographed yesterday.

"I have no idea who you are talking about," said one movie fan. "As far as I am concerned, the person you are talking about is either a relic of history or no longer resides on this plane of existence." Several other cinemagoers expressed their confusion over Garfield's apparent removal from the space-time continuum. "I don't know who Andrew Garfield is," said one. "You mean the cat?"

"What do you mean? I don't have a boyfriend," added Emma Stone.

Close friends reported that Garfield had been slipping into obscurity for "several months" and had withdrawn from public life due to worries that he was "not part of the universe's plans". The reason for Garfield's gradual dematerialisation is unknown because nobody can even remember the guy or what his deal was.

Garfield is survived by his parents and his brother Ben, who was an only child.

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