Cinema's 5 easiest dates

I'm not a misogynist, but [I wash my hands of this - Ed.] it occurs to me there are a lot of women out there in Movieland who don't really think ahead when it comes to choosing their dates...

Now, before you punch me in the dick hear me out: with the passing of Elizabeth Taylor, so too dies a little bit of innocence. Sure she married a fair few times - but doesn't that prove she was after some sort of commitment before letting her latest husband have his wicked way? Yeah, yeah I think it does. Well here are five screen ladies who could have done with a few pointers from Liz in how to look before you leap (into his pants).

Vicki Vale - Batman



If only Miss Vale had waited, she might have found out what a complete mental case Bruce Wayne really is. Out all hours on mysterious "business trips," Wayne must have reeked of secrets as he tried to hide his particular brand of nocturnal activities. In the end the deception became too much and Wayne confided his Bat-Secret in Vale, prompting her to pack up and leave - presumably after realising the near-schizophrenic guy she gave up the goods for on their first date is the target of every maniac in Gotham.
Brenda Wyatt - Highlander



Most self-help book authors say flowers and fine wine are the key to winning a woman's heart. But they're not 500 years old with a collection of broadswords, so what do they know? Apparently - as ably demonstrated by Connor MacLeod - the real secret is telling a woman you're an immortal, then stabbing yourself in the chest. Poor Brenda must have been really desperate; he could have just been a magician! Now try that shit on an eHarmony profile, MacLeod, see where that gets you.
Alex Price - An American Werewolf in London



What convinces someone to invite a traumatised patient - who claims to be a werewolf - back to their place is beyond me. But this is the same gender who read Closer and Heat, so who knows what's going on up there. To be fair David did have the lure of the wolf on his side, being an actual werewolf and all that, which ultimately turned out to be quite the dealbreaker for Alex. Worse was to come when she returned home to discover he'd sprayed his scent all over the sofa.
Meryl Burbank - The Truman Show



Possibly the most disturbing entry on this list, Meryl Burbank was actually a character played by Hannah Gill, who in turn was played by real-life actress Laura Linney. Married to unwitting reality TV star Truman, Meryl was hired by the shows producers to fulfil all the duties expected of a wife. A wife who only puts out for money, that is. So wrong - and yet this seemed to sit fine with the real-life producers of The Truman Show. There's the real 45-foot-high whore: HOLLYWOOD.
Sarah Connor - The Terminator



It's pretty much a given that the first man to invent a time machine will use it to bone chicks from the past. Even so it still takes a brazen sort to turn up on your doorstep saying "I'm from the future where there's a robot war and stuff, and I need to impregnate you with the resistance leader" - bet Kyle Reese got many a high-five from his science bros for finding the only woman in history naive enough to fall for that one. If only they hadn't caused the actual Rise of the Machines by building a fembot and forgetting to comment out the code that gives it PMS.
Bonus: Brantley Foster - The Secret of My Success



We're all about equality here at Shiznit Towers, so it's only fair to mention at least one member of the not-so-fairer sex who was thinking first and foremost with the tiny brain down his trousers. And who better than one of the nicest nice guys in movie nice guy history: Michael J. Fox - who if he'd kept it in his pants for an hour longer would have realised the woman who just used him like cheap trash was his Aunt. Come to think of it, this isn't the first time Fox has been implicated with a screen relative - he could have become his own progeny in Back to the Future. If these movies were to be combined somehow, he would have been his own creepy Uncle.

And on that note:

Indeed.