Daily Mail reviews "evil" Kick-Ass, provides unintentional comedy gold

As if you needed another recommendation to go and see it, The Daily Mail's film reviewer Chris Tookey awarded Kick-Ass one star, labelled it "a crime against cinema" and then went on a mad rant about child porn.

While I procrastinate and routinely fail to write up my review of Kick-Ass (in a nutshell: it's awesome), I know the other review you've all been looking forward to is from The Daily Mail. And those predictable, goofy bastards haven't let us down.

The fact they've awarded it one star was expected; the fact that Tookey uses Kick-Ass as a springboard to launch into a rant on child pornography and - yes - the Jamie Bulger murder is nothing short of astonishing.

The review - which comically lists its verdict as simply "evil" - is a tad misguided, claiming that Kick-Ass draws heavily on Spider-Man 2 (news to me) and that it fails to lampoon other "so-called graphic novels". But Tookey saves his best for his comments on the character of Hit Girl, an 11 year-old assassin who occasionally uses Mail-baiting language.

Er, wait... what? Why are we talking about paedophiles? No time to pick your jaw up off the floor, Tookey's taking this one and running with it.

Let's back it up. He's comparing the treatment of 13 year-old actress Chloe Moretz to that of Angelina Jolie in Tomb Raider (who walks around in tight hotpants and has a shower scene) and Halle Berry in Catwoman (who walks around in leather trousers and a bra and licks Sharon Stone's face). Did... did he even watch the same film as everyone else?

A schoolgirl pose? That's because she's a schoolgirl, you berk.

Violence? Fair enough. But sexual acts? Um... sorry Chris, there aren't any sexual acts in this movie: at least not ones featuring Hit Girl. I think you're reading waaay too much into this thing. In fact, given the following paragraph about child pornography (actual quote: "Underage sex isn't a laugh"), you're definitely barking up the wrong tree. Tookey claims the violence is performed in a "sexually arousing" manner. Hint: it's only sexually arousing if you're being aroused by it, you perv.

But Tookey is on a roll, and his best is yet to come.

This guy is incredible: he's like a malfunctioning hate machine, spewing hot arcs of misplaced vitriol at any tabloid target within vomiting range. Jamie Bulger? Child porn? What the hell has that got to do with a movie about superheroes? Everyone killed by Hit Girl is a villain: drug dealers, pimps and crooks. It's not like she's going around killing cute kids and puppies.

For the record, Hit Girl's bad language consists of one "cunt", one "cock" and a couple of shits and fucks. It's hardly end of days. But Tookey is insistent that Kick-Ass "revels in the abuse of children", calls it "twisted" and labels Hit Girl as "one of the most disturbing icons and damaging role-models in the history of cinema." Now there's a poster quote for you.

Hang on... The date of the article? April 2nd. One day late fellas, but still hilarious. You almost had us going for a minute there.