David Tennant signs three-year contract to star exclusively in shite movies

Ali Gray

22nd June 2017

Actor David Tennant today signed an exclusive three-year contract to star only in shite movies that you wouldn't watch in a million years, not even if you were on a plane, but you guess that somebody must be watching, somewhere.

Tennant, whose recent cinematic output suggested he was aiming for an exclusivity deal at the low-quality end of the market, will appear in a series of new movies that sound awful even just reading about them on paper and the worst thing is you know they'll end up being even worse than they sound.

"I am delighted to sign this contract, legally binding me to appear only in films even your Dad wouldn't watch," said Tennant. "Starring in bad movies has always been a passion of mine and I'm absolutely thrilled to say that I'll be knocking out absolute pish for the next three years. As an actor I look for projects that appeal to me personally and it just so happens that I really enjoy starring in films that will inevitably end up on the back shelves at Poundland in those super-thin DVD cases that make them look like pirate copies along with all the Hulk Hogan and David Hasselhoff movies."

Among the first crop of Tennant's exclusively shite movies are a shite drama about a Scottish psychotherapist that'll be lucky to get a run out on BBC Scotland before 11.50pm, a shite animated movie about a bull that even your kid will know to avoid and a totally shite robbery drama that will eventually only be surfaced once a user is 30 rows deep on Turkish Netflix.

Part of the deal will see Tennant, 56, allowed to continue his non-shite work on television, in the vein of ITV's Broadchurch and Netflix's Marvel thriller Jessica Jones. Industry commenters have been quick to point out that the actor's deal to only appear in movies guaranteed to score less than 15% on Rotten Tomatoes could affect his TV output. "David Tennant's insistence on making films that literally nobody will ever watch through to the end is a risky business," said Screen Monitor editor Nick Bonas. "If I was a betting man, I'd put money on him eventually starring in a serial drama on one of the shite TV channels, like ITV2, or one of those cable ones that only ever seems to last six months that has a name like 'Today' or 'Britain' or 'Welcome'."

The press release announcing Tennant's dedication to appearing in movies so bad you can't even find DVD rips of them on The Pirate Bay also snuck in some info about a forthcoming project, an as yet untitled romantic comedy which is so shite it could potentially star Kris Marshall.

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