Die Hard Week: The next nine Die Hard sequels revealed


17th February 2013

A Good Day To Die Hard has exploded into American cinemas to the tune of a $25 million opening weekend, meaning Die Hard 6 - already confirmed via mumble on Bruce Willis' One Show appearance - is a near certainty. After that? We're planning the next nine Die Hard movies now so they're not such a terrible shock when they actually happen.

Play Hard Or Die Hard (2015)

Standard Die Hard fare, in which a theme park is taken over by unspecified Middle Eastern radicalists on the hunt for buried nuclear weapons. Little do they know, John McClane is on a make-or-break holiday with his estranged family, and he's really sick of this terrorist shit. Also queues.
Die Hard With Avengers (2017)

With the ideas well run dry (hard), the latest Die Hard movie consists entirely of John McClane getting some well deserved rest and sitting down for a couple of hours to finally watch The Avengers on DVD, pausing only for a two-minute piss break during the bit on the Helicarrier.
Diet Hard (2018)

After he 'accidentally' throws a German tourist named Hans underneath a tram, John McClane is relegated to desk duty à la Al Powell, where an onslaught of Twinkies causes his waistline to balloon. Now McClane must single-handedly defeat his most deadly foe yet: the onset of diabetes.
Die, Die Hard, Die (2020)

Meta spin-off in which Bruce Willis, playing himself, begs Fox to kill off the Die Hard franchise so he can retire and soothe his aching muscles. Ironically, Willis' efforts to bury the legacy of John McClane ends with him tossing the head of 20th Century Fox off the roof of their LA headquarters.
Die Hard Die Furious (2022)

Testosterone-fuelled crossover, engineered exclusively to make Zoo Magazine explode. After McClane is hit by a car driven by Dom Toretto (Vin Diesel), the two realise they have a mutual love of destruction and spend two hours driving fast cars down lift shafts and into mimes.
In Space, No One Can Hear You Die Hard (2025)

In a desperate bid to keep up with the Star Wars franchise, which now churns out three movies a year, John McClane is sent into space to stop a space terrorist from stealing space bullion from a space station. It is shot in 4D and makes $1.6 billion dollars in its opening weekend.
Die H For Harder (2026)

After fan outcry over the lunacy of McClane's intergalactic adventure, John is brought down to earth in this noir murder mystery, in which he's actually required to do genuine police work, as opposed to causing hundreds of millions of dollars worth of damage to private property. It flops.
Live And Let Die Hard (2028)

Ill-advised overseas adventure, in which John McClane moves to England, trades in his grubby vest for a tuxedo, is hired by MI6 and works womanizing and heavy drinking into his daily routine. The finale sees him shoot a corrupt Prince Philip, quipping "Yippee-Ki-Yay, ma'am-fucker!"
Died Hard (2030)

The McClane children tell their own kids the tall tale of their father's heroic death via the medium of flashback, with a specially de-aged CG John McClane replacing the deceased Bruce Willis. To avoid upsetting any international markets, the terrorists that kill McClane are actually aliens.
Yippee-Ki-Yay! This week on TheShiznit.co.uk is Die Hard Week, with A Good Day To Die Hard in cinemas on Thursday 14th February. Also available as a Brucey bonus is the Die Hard Quadrilogy 25th Anniversary Blu-ray boxset.  

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