Edward Norton's Antivirus 2005

Hi, I'm Hollywood superstar and strange-faced actor Edward Norton. You may recognise me from such films including The 25th Hour, Fight Club and American History X. In fact, that last one got me an Oscar nod, but you don't want to hear about that ' you're here because you're concerned about one thing, and that's Internet security.

With the latest in my Antivirus series, you can guarantee that your home computer will be made as safe as possible ' hey, my beady little face is a face you can trust. After all, protecting your PC and starring in big-name Hollywood movies aren't as far removed as you might think. When starring in moderately-successful heist flick The Score, someone actually ate one of Marlon Brando's meatball sandwiches on-set ' the ensuing mess was not unlike the effect a particularly nasty virus can have on your hard drive i.e. total devastation. With my patented software, you can rest easy that your encrypted files stay that way ' safe. Just because I starred as a psychotic killer in Richard Gere-vehicle Primal Fear, doesn't mean I'll go mad and try and corrupt all your files from inside your computer. I can practically guarantee that won't happen.

During the filming of the hilarious religion-based comedy Keeping the Faith (with Ben Stiller and Jenna Elfman, TV's Dharma), Stiller brought a laptop to work every day to write notes. I tried to convince him that he should protect his personal files with some kind of software, but he insisted that his work was safe, and that I should get out of his trailer. Well, by some unfortunate accident, all of his work was deleted and his laptop was trashed - I guess I proved him wrong. The police never did name me as a suspect, so I'm pretty much in the clear, but it just goes to show ' don't upstage me in a movie. My Christianity jokes pissed all over his tired Rabbi gags. And have you seen Along Came Polly? Man, that bites!

But enough about my box-office triumphs (Red Dragon, also starring Ralph Fiennes, made almost $40m in its opening weekend alone, and that's on less than 500 screens nationwide), let's get back to the Internet security thing again. Now, you may think keeping personal files safe from intrusion or a potentially damaging virus is a serious affair, but you'd be very wrong. I like to have fun with whatever I do (just ask my People Vs Larry Flynt co-star Woody Harrelson), so each aspect of Edward Norton's Antivirus software 2005 is colourful, and features my face. That's right, all the menus and interfaces are lovingly adorned with my striking features ' my slightly sinister eyes, my dry little mouth and my carefully dishevelled hair ' when you need to decide which files to put behind your firewall, my gaze will meet yours and you will know you are in safe, Oscar-nominated hands. When you have to choose a password for specially encrypted files, my tiny eyes will inspire you. My mouth even moves and says 'Okay' when you push the 'Okay' button! That was my idea! See, suddenly Internet Security doesn't seem like such a drag anymore, does it?

I don't think I need to convince you any further, after all, let's let my success rate speak for me. Looking back down my resume, I can count at least 7 movies that made the top 13 at the US Box Office ' can Ben Stiller say that? Surely that's enough to convince you to purchase this fine piece of software? Seriously, if you want to keep your files safe from harm, you can't do better than buy a product with the guy from Fight Club on it. Really, I'm friends with Brad Pitt! I even sent him a free copy! Brad Pitt uses this software! You can too! I have to go now, I just got a page from my girlfriend, famous actress Salma Hayek and I think she wants me to come over and defrag her hard drive! And I do mean that literally! So long, and stay safe!

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