Eight astonishing things on the new X-Men: Days Of Future Past poster

The X-Men don't historically have a lot of luck when it comes to cool poster designs - who could forget 9/3/11? - and that trend continues with this mental new one-sheet for X-Men: Days Of Future Past. Featuring: ALL OF THE THINGS.

This poster is like a greatest hits for all the annoying poster trends that have dominated cinema walls over the last five years. Orange and blue? Check. Sparks and debris? Check. Tiny characters that are barely visible? Check. Unnecessary helicopters? Well... sort of. It looks like a poster designed by committee. Where's the artistry? Where's the flair? Why are all the characters contained within one giant gelatinous blob? Random explosions? Four lens flares? COME ON. I wonder if there are other X-Men on this poster that are hiding in shame behind the ones we can see.

I remember Danny Dyer describing Postman Pat in his own inimitable way as "a busy cunt". That's exactly how I feel about this one-sheet. And so it was decreed: Ali must nit-pick this poster to the tune of eight noteworthy elements before he ventures to bed this eve.

Hue hue hue. The sky can be orange. The sky can definitely be blue. It is very rarely both colours at the same time, and the gradient is usually not split vertically. Come on guys, this is basic Skycolorology! The guys at Cloud Camp are laughing at you!

With rights issues preventing Marvel cross-overs, I'm surprised Fox wrangled cameos from Iron Man 3 OH HO OF COURSE I'M BEING FACETIOUS. How best to illustrate your army of flying robots? Make them look like they're tiny flies that Wolverine wants to swat.

Wolverine is one of the angriest characters in comic-book history, and the stakes here have never been higher. That's why he looks... er, mildly peeved. Grrr? He'll fly into a berserker rage as soon as he's figured out who farted. My money's on Beast.

Characters seem to be sized on their box-office takings, hence giant Jennifer Lawrence and tiny Michael Fassbender, who's relegated to stomach duty. Young Magneto's high five has been left hanging. "Up top? Nobody?" Young Xavier isn't having it.

[I would just like to point out at this juncture that Jennifer Lawrence literally has a growler between her thighs. On with our scheduled programme.]

I'm no wheelchair scientist so I don't know how disability transportation will look in the year 2020 (or whenever), but Patrick Stewart's hover-chair is surely begging to be photoshopped onto a Stannah Stairlift and/or water slide. Wheeee!

OH NO YOU GUYS THE INDISCRIMINATE RUBBLE IS ON FIRE. Either that or something vague has exploded. Colossus's attempts to put out the flames by angrily stamping on them has yielded disappointing results. Thankfully Magneto's cape is flame retardant.

It's not all sarcasm, you know. Look closely and you'll see Wolverine's bodysuit has hints of yellow and blue, the colours of the X-Men costumes in the comics. That's a really cool touch. Hopefully he isn't wearing assless chaps as well. He may well be.

Upon closer inspection, this young lady appears to be crapping bricks. Maybe because she's got both hands stuck inside bundles of candy floss. "Not today!" she's thinking. "Why did this have to happen on poster day!" (*THRPRPRPRPPP*)

Still, good job the trailer isn't as shit.