Five game suggestions for The Cube

Ali Gray

8th November 2011

TV writer Grace Dent has already expressed her discontent at bizarre, pseudo-futuristic ITV gameshow The Cube getting another series, and we can't help but agree. If any of the producers are reading, which obviously you are, then here are some tips to make it more exciting.

In case you missed it while getting your hair did and drinking your bottles of Reef along with your girlfriends before X Factor on ITV's Sunday night line-up, The Cube is certainly something to behold. It's a physical gameshow that sees contestants sealed within a giant perspex box, which forces them to play strangely quaint and anachronistic parlour games that require a small amount of precision, like throwing bean bags into a hoop. Imagine if The Running Man was produced by Phillip Schofield.

The Cube is a show that desperately needs some edge, despite the twelve it already has, so here are five suggestions for new tricky tasks that won't fail to have contestants thumping their fists in cartoonish frustration.
1: Throwing a teabag into a bin

A highly treacherous task indeed. With a hot mug of tea brewing, players must lift the sodden bag out of the drinking vessel with the Cube-branded spoon provided, before chucking it over a metre into the Cube-branded swing-bin. Points will be lost for drops of tea that hit the Cube's electrified floor, and any stainage on the lid. The Cube will not stand for stainage.

SIMPLIFY? Players are given the option to make their task easier if they wish to sacrifice points. In this game, the teabag would be changed from a square Twinings bag to a round, more aerodynamic Tetley bag.
2: Unplugging a USB stick without removing it safely

A hushed silence. Can The Cube really sanction such an act? Is it really legal to be so fast and loose with the removal of modern technology? Schofield looks on, shocked to his very core, but the game is set: contestants must remove an 8GB USB memory stick from The Cube's data-rack without having first performed the necessary protocol and clicked 'Remove Hardware Safely', thereby safeguarding the stick's content. What's on that stick? A pass to the next round. Everything is at stake.

SIMPLIFY? The Cube will translate Windows 7's gibberish error messages into English for your convenience.
3: Turning off a light switch with your face

It's a Sisyphean task we've all been faced with at one time or another: you need to turn off a light, but both of your hands are full. How else can you turn it off? The face is the only option: it's not graceful, but if making out with that wall-mounted switch gets the job done, then so be it. Unfortunately, The Cube knows our fears and uses them against us. Sealed inside The Cube, the player must turn off a switch using only their facial organs. The price? Dignity. The reward? LOTS OF POINTS.

SIMPLIFY? Players may use their tongue if willing to risk it.
4: Putting in your right earbud with your left hand

The lights go down. The Cube's booming voice sets the challenge. It's a killer. With a giant digital clock laughing a countdown in their face, contestants must perform the impossible: comfortably insert an earbud into the right ear with their left hand. Cruel, merciful Cube! It's in there, but it just... doesn't... feel... right. No matter how hard they may wish to, players cannot readjust it with their rightie: instant expulsion is the penalty. No matter how many times you've practised on a crowded Tube train, it doesn't get any easier.

SIMPLIFY? The earbud will whisper calming words from Schofe as you attempt to shove it in.
5: Commissioning an ITV gameshow

The final challenge. Inside The Cube's four walls, with the whole world and Phillip Schofield and probably his family watching, the mission is set: come up with a gameshow idea better than The Cube against the clock, or perish. Hurry! Choose your format! Trivia questions rewarded with financial gain? A gambling simulator? A karaoke-based caterwauling competition? Time is running out and ITV's commissioning editors need ideas, fast!

SIMPLIFY? Vernon Kaye is available to host.

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