Great British Bake Off series five contestants' criminal pasts revealed

Ed Williamson

6th August 2014

Look at them, with their eggs and egg whisks and egg yolks. Every one of them a criminal mastermind.


Richard is a career villain, having spent the first 40 years of his life in Tooting Juvenile Detention Centre for the Massively Criminal. Once released he stole a Ford Orion from a toddler and used it to spree himself all over south London, ram-raiding garages for fags and pasties.

Chetna faked her own death at the age of 17, then forged a career stealing pies off window sills, respraying them and changing the plates and selling them on at a profit. Her mother was three of the Great Train Robbers.

Feared among even the most hardened criminals, Jordan is a violent offender with a thirst for blood and crude neck tattoos. A bouncer for several years on the east Devon club circuit, he supplemented his income by fencing stolen hooks, laundry and limited edition gatefold copies of Band On The Run. Violence is never far from his knuckles.

Kate waged a nine-year campaign of stalking and intimidation against the band EYC (Express Yourself Clearly), eventually leading the band to rethink their careers and set up as a firm of chartered surveyors. While Express, Yourself & Clearly plc has thrived since, Kate resents their success and has vowed to poison their gardens.

Luis is Top Boy of the Cirencester Aggro, a feared Gloucester City hooligan firm. Once on an away trip to Tewkesbury Town he organised a tear-up so extreme that it literally had no floor. Sons lost their fathers and shops their windows, with the mayor declaring martial law.

Martha has a strangler's hands, and when not kneading dough she puts them to use strangling anything animate. When a neighbour complained that her rabbit was dead, Martha told her to go fuck herself and her rabbit, and if she came round here with that shit again she'd get a smack in the absolute bloody chops.
Something something something cake with a file in it.

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