How many words did SlashFilm write on the Bond non-announcement?

Place your bets! I'm going to say between 600 and 700. Let's go and have a look!

I was close! Because SlashFilm actually managed to write a total of 816 words on the announcement of the 25th James Bond movie, despite lacking the following information:

- The name of the movie
- The director of the movie
- The plot of the movie
- The studio who is releasing the movie
- Who is even playing James fucking Bond in the movie

For reference, here is the tweet from the official James Bond Twitter account that started the whole shebang (the 25 words below were not counted in SlashFilm's total).

James Bond will return to US cinemas on November 8, 2019 with a traditional earlier release in the UK and the rest of the world. pic.twitter.com/6HnaDnfruK

— James Bond (@007) July 24, 2017

This is the info we do have:

- It will be released in the United States on November 8th, 2019
- It will be released in the United Kingdom before that
- It's being written by Neal Purvis and Robert Wade
- That's it
- Seriously, that's it
- Okay: James Bond will be in it. Now that's it

SlashFilm are the masters of making turd mountains out of shitty molehills. Imagine being asked to spin off 800 words off a 25-word tweet (okay, 30 words if you count 'Neal', 'Purvis', 'and', 'Robert' and 'Wade'). It can't be done! FALSE. The people need to read SlashFilm winging it, adding words to the internet, vital words in an essential order, important words.

Here are my favourite bits from the SlashFilm non-Bond article.

This is the motto printed above the entrance to SlashFilm's office, except it's in Latin and reads: "Demum temere audent aequare ratiocinor" (translation: don't hesitate to speculate).

This, having already divulged all the major information in the story's headline.

Woah woah woah, I didn't ask for the man's Wikipedia page. The page header wasn't 'Here are some opinions on Daniel Craig'. You can't give me the answer to "Will Daniel Craig Return?" BECAUSE YOU DON'T KNOW. I like thinking of the writer pondering the question he's posed himself, sipping a brandy, gazing into the middle distance, smiling a smile to himself and thinking 'To answer this, really we need to go back to the Brosnan era'.

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For those of you keeping count...



The last line, though, is my absolute favourite:

That's right: they summed up the entire 816-word article in the last line, using just 29 words - and they even vamped a little at the end, with the whole 'four years' thing! Do you see, SlashFilm? Do you? Why? Why do you make me write these articles?

Fun fact: this feature came in at under 600 words.