"It's X meets Y!" The 10 worst bullshit movie poster quotes

Ali Gray

4th November 2013

We all know how the game works come poster quote attribution time: the biggest bum-lickers do their best fawning in the vain hope of having their name appear on a one-sheet in 12 point Arial Bold. The right way to do it? Work hard, gain respect, write truthfully and make your words mean something. The quick way to do it? "It's [Film Everyone Likes] meets [Another Film Everyone Likes]!" BOSH. Instant microfame!

We've moved beyond the days where a simple "Great!" or "Thrilling!" or "It deserves 127!" would suffice as a poster quote. Now, in an increasingly tricky marketplace, studios will go after poster quotes that do their marketing job for them: not only will they look for brown-nosing affirmations of the movie's quality, but if they can find brown-nosing affirmations of the movie's quality that also sort of describe what the movie is about in a nutshell, then DOUBLE WIN. Take the day off, you guys!

It's a canny move, as long as a) the quote hasn't just been invented by a soulless marketing hack or b) the quote hasn't been attributed to some random Twitter peon. However, in the race to rim the studios and secure some brand-amplifying poster real estate, several sources have been known to botch some quick-fix movie maths, providing handy "X meets Y!" quotes that may sound like they're a helpful summation of the movie's content, but on closer inspection, are revealed to be TOTAL BOLLOCKS.

Here are the 10 worst offenders: a gaggle of embarrassingly reductive poster quotes that do no one any favours.
Ender's Game

I didn't see Ender's Game, but I did read lots of underwhelmed reviews, and at no point did anyone mention that it bore a passing resemblance to the most financially successful movie franchise of all time and/or the most beloved movie franchise of all time. I'll give you "The Phantom Menace meets Indiana Jones And The Kingdom Of The Crystal Skull!"
The Adjustment Bureau

The Adjustment Bureau bears about as much resemblance with the Bourne trilogy as... well, any other Matt Damon movie you'd care to mention, given that the only common factor is the fact that Matt Damon is in it, and he runs a bit. You can't blame the studio for wanting to spice up a movie that sounds like it's trying to convince you that tax doesn't need to be taxing.

Jumper might be the most forgettable movie ever made: a sci-fi so bland, the only thing notable about it is the fact it sounds like a garment of clothing. It's another trademark Total Film quote splurge: not a single second of Jumper deserves to be mentioned in the same breath as either Bourne or The Matrix. Even Mannequin Skywalker looks bored.
The Veteran

Total Film again, bigging up this so-so Toby Kebbell drama beyond recognition. Children Of Men? The Veteran is not a sci-fi (nor is it anywhere near as good as Children Of Men). Taxi Driver? I won't even dignify this comparison with a response. (Apart from that pithy put-down).
Pitch Perfect

I literally have no clue what this is supposed to mean.
The Iceman

Is The Iceman good? Yeah, it really is. But is it Martin Scorsese meets David Fincher good? It really isn't. Though it at least features recognisable elements of both gangster movies and serial killer procedurals, Peter Bradshaw should still be ashamed at trotting out such a lazy comparison.

Alternate poster quote pitch: "It's Mavis Beacon meets... What's French? I dunno, Amelie or something." It's official: anything set in a time period before the 80s is now considered fair comparison to Mad Men.
Boogie Nights

"But with way more fucking!"
Along Came Polly

It's Reality Bites meets Leprechaun! It's Mystery Men meets Picture Perfect! It's Dodgeball meets Office Space! It's Zoolander meets The Good Girl! It's Keeping The Faith meets Bruce Almighty! It's literally a movie in which Ben Stiller meets Jennifer Aniston! Can we go home yet?
Shaolin Soccer

I can't work out which quote is worse: this insultingly basic summation, that lets you know that, hey #LADS, there's fighting and football in it; or the other quote on the DVD cover: "Crouching Tiger meets Enter The Dragon meets Association Football". Because the quote wouldn't make sense if they didn't cite BOTH martial arts movies!

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