Literally everyone has auditioned for Star Wars Episode VII

Neil Alcock

7th October 2013

The internets are pretty jizzed right now about the fact that Saoirse Ronan auditioned for Star Wars Episode VII, as revealed in the Empire podcast, but nobody seems to have picked up on her most revealing comment: "Yeah, I did [audition for Star Wars Episode VII]… I mean, everyone did. Everyone has auditioned for it." In a Shiznit exclusive, we spoke to literally everyone about their Ep 7 auditions, and here are just some of their remarkable stories...

Dave Barclay, 47, chip shop owner

"It was mental, mate. I've been a Star Wars fan since before you was born, so to get in a room with Han Solo was fackin' MAD, mate! I dunno how old he is now, ninety or sumfink, but he's still got it. He was tellin' me how pissed off he was when he found out Princess Leia dies at the beginning, and I swear there were tears in his eyes. Proper tears mate."
Carol Hall, 30, TV producer

"Oh, god, it was weird. They got me in a room and put me in a metal bikini and told me to be all, like, ghostly and stuff. I've never seen Star Wars so I don't know what the part was but it was kind of fun. Except I had to be all sad because my twins in the film had just turned to, what is it, the dark side? Whatever that is!"
Jack and Miley Green, 8, twins

Jack: "I liked it because I had to pretend to be sad so I did cry but really I was laughing because it was funny and the man said it was good because I should be crying and laughing when I hit my pretend mummy with a light saver. What's a light saver?"

Miley: "I didn't like it because everyone was angry and sad and I wanted to play with the little teddy bear people but the man said I wasn't allowed to like them because I had to strangle them all with my mind. Also the man who pretended to be my daddy was a hundred years old and smelled of sugar puffs."
Marie Lee, 22, model

"My boyfriend likes the Star Wars so he was excited to be auditioned, but when he found out it was for one of those little furry guys he was really cross. It didn't help that I auditioned to be a femidroid, like a sexy robot or something? I saw a bit of the script where we had a scene together and, well, it was a bit rude, so I expect he'll cheer up if he gets the part."
Kevin Lamb, 25, postman and boyfriend of Marie Lee

"A fuckin' Ewok mate! Unbelievable! I'm six foot two for fuck's sake! They reckon they're gonna do all that Hobbity stuff on me, make me half as tall, fuck's sake. I mean, it's cool that I get to avenge the genocide of the entire Ewok race after they was murdered by Han and Leia's psycho twins and then I get to have it off with my missus who's playing a sexy robot and then we both start a new Empire and take over the universe and resurrect Darth Vader and try and kill Justin Bieber's character who's the last of the Jedi somehow, but a fuckin' Ewok?! Fuck's sake."
Lucasfilm is currently reviewing JJ Abrams' policy to audition literally everyone.

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