Live-blog: Peter Jackson's entire Middle Earth saga marathon

Matt Looker

20th April 2015

The Hobbit: The Battle Of The Five Armies is released today on DVD and Blu-ray meaning that we can all finally enjoy, not just the Hobbit trilogy, but Peter Jackson's entire Tolkien saga in our own homes. So who wants to join me in a movie marathon that could end up outlasting time itself?

I'll be going in narrative chronological order - so starting with the Hobbit films and finishing up with the neverending series of goodbyes to all my dearly departed loved ones. Feel free to join me in the conversation throughout by hitting me up on Twitter. Of course, I fully expect other forms of social media, and indeed communication in general, to supersede Twitter several times over as we make our way through the films, so I'll update in the live blog as we go through it.

Right. I have a water supply, I have canned goods, I have called in sick to work. Let's begin!
12pm - The first disc is going in! The Hobbit: An Unexpected Journey is starting any second now. Wait! I forgot to call my mum to tell her I love her. Oh, it's too late now - the opening credits have started.

12.45pm - The opening credits have finally finished, and we see Ian Holm return as an elderly Bilbo Baggins writing his memoir. At least, I think that's what I saw. It could just as easily be a premonition of me trying to finish up this very live-blog in the future.

3pm - I have already eaten all of my pre-prepared light snacks and have realised that I skipped lunch. Maybe I should... nah, look. Some dwarves are singing. I can't miss this.

2am - Peter Jackson is a master at keeping his audience invested in the story here. Just as the narrative shows signs of fatigue and my own body threatens to shut down vital organs, Bilbo leaves the Shire to go on his adventure. It's official: I'm in it for the long haul. My bones audibly groan in delight.

I, too, feel like I'm going on an adventure. A motionless, stationary adventure.

Wednesday - Two days later and I have just had to field a call from the office wondering where I am. I'll tell you where I am, boss, I'm in a troll cave enjoying the spoils of the elven treasure! Obviously, I don't actually say that. I tell work I have been signed off with stress and get back to the film.

Saturday – Ha ha, Radagast The Brown is filthy, isn't he? All that matted hair and those grubby skin sores.

Sunday - Huh. Turns out that what I thought was Radagast was actually just my own reflection in the screen during a particularly dark sequence. The real version has just turned up. The sight of his rabbit-drawn sleigh has reminded me that I haven't fed the cats all week.

The following Monday - Work have just been in touch again, asking to see a doctor's certificate. I figured I could easily forge one and send it in the post. Look! Hugo Weaving!

The following Tuesday - I have just realised that the carefully constructed sick note that I posted to work was actually just an empty can of Pringles that I addressed to "Elrond c/o Rivendell" and threw into my back garden. Oh well, it's hard to care when you look at the real-world problems of Bilbo and the dwarves fending off a goblin attack.

Early June – I have completely lost track of what the time is, so I'll have to give a rough ballpark from now on. Gollum is here! Gollum is here! I shout to my wife to come and watch this brilliant scene with me. No response.

July - Come to think of it, I haven't seen my wife or child for weeks. Weird. They must have gone to the shops.

It's a riddle, just like the one happening here!

September – Ugh. PAUSE! My neighbours just knocked on the door complaining about some imaginary smell. Great - thanks guys. I am now running 45mins behind schedule after that (it took me a while to get up and answer the door because it seems my skin had started to knit together with the fabric of my sofa). UNPAUSE. For those trying to synchronise their viewing to mine, I'm still on the Gollum scene.

December 2016 – Woo-hoo! Could I have asked for a better Christmas present than our first glimpse of Smaug at the end of the film? I mean, obviously I would have liked to spend it with my family but, in a way, this brave group are my new family now so I guess I did. And who could want for a more loving, supportive relationship than the one I have right now with Bilbo, Gandalf, Thorin, James Nesbitt and all the others?

March 2017 – New disc time! Now that the end credits have finished (no post-credits sting though – that feels like a waste of three months), it’s time for The Hobbit: The Desolation Of Smaug. In between changing discs, my old family attempted to stage an intervention, but they’re just jealous of my new family. Pressing play NOW.

June 2018 – Oh my god! The big bear turned out to be a shape-shifting man! I can’t believe some people are watching the World Cup right now and missing out on this.

February 2020 – Today, marks a special day in history: The first chronological appearance of Legolas in the entire Middle Earth series of films! It’s ace too – he’s so cool. Also, I just heard that the UK got a new king.

Nearly 3000 years old and he doesn't look a day over 'CGI'.

October 2025 – Ok tweeps, listen up. I said I’d keep you updated on new social media accounts as and when they happen and seeing as, for the past four years, I have been the only person left on Twitter, talking about this movie marathon to a timeline of nobody, I have decided to switch to Yappy. You can follow my brainwaves on there at the account: +Azog4Life2013. Drop by and send me a holo-smiley!

April 2029 – Isn’t real life boring compared to the movies? In case you haven’t heard, China and Hong Korea have joined forces and declared war on the United Nations Of Euromerica, and yet you just KNOW that it won’t be as awesome as the orc battle of Dol Guldur that we’re currently watching!

March 2032 – Guy just came round to install my new teleporter. Can’t wait to use it! But first I have more important things to do: That final showdown between Thorin and Smaug was so good, and I went back and rewatched it immediately after, setting me back six months. Sorry, live-bloggees!

September 2038 – Wow! Just received an email telling me that my monthly standing order to the National Lottery has come through for me. I have just won £46.8 million! All I have to do is confirm via email. Problem is, it’s time for The Hobbit: The Battle Of The Five Armies. It’s no choice, really. If anything, this movie marathon is making me a richer person than any amount of money ever could.

May 2046 – Time to celebrate! Not only has The Ultimate World War finally been resolved (it maybe controversial to say so, but will anyone really miss Denmark? Really?), but more importantly, Bard the bowman has shot down Smaug! Rejoice!

What a guy. He could have saved Denmark too if he wanted to.

December 2051 – Today marks the 50th anniversary of The Fellowship Of The Ring and, to mark the occasion, they have released special cuts of each Lord Of The Rings movie with extra scenes, extending the running time of each one by 20%. I have, of course, purchased these versions and will watch them when I eventually finish The Hobbit trilogy. It’s not a problem. I think it’s great, in fact. I really couldn’t have received better news. Really. Can’t wait.

2054 – Phew! That Battle Of The Five Armies was awesome, wasn’t it? And now it segues seamlessly into… that’s it: The Lord Of The Rings: The Fellowship Of The Ring! I just got Ironfoot, my new robot butler, to swap the discs over straight away. Keep up everybody!

2062 – Aww, Bilbo’s birthday party is so good, isn’t it? Those fireworks are brilliant, and that scene where Gandalf gets stoned and exhales a smoke-galleon is awesome. I wonder if new President Of Earth Jaden Smith has seen these films?

2068 – As Frodo is taken to Rivendell to be healed from his morgul blade wound by Elrond, it gives me time to reflect. Since starting this marathon, the world has lost 30% of land coverage to climate change and I have become indistinguishable from my living room’s soft furnishings, but most importantly, I have laughed, loved and lost many great things on an epic adventure with some of the greatest friends I have ever known. Look, look – it’s the Sean Bean ‘meme’ moment!

"One does not simply watch one Lord Of The Rings film" Hahaha

2075 – Woah, that was weird. Ironfoot, my robot butler, just suddenly started spinning round and shooting lasers at everything in sight in my room. Then he looked directly at me, said something about a “non-threat” and drove outside. A quick look out my window sees a whole bunch of similar robot butlers setting fire to houses and killing people. When I get a moment, I’m going to look up the manufacturer’s guarantee. But first, it’s Gandalf vs Balrog time! "You shall not pass!" Ahahaha.

2082 – If you’re reading this, first off, congratulations on surviving Comet Doomsday. I can only assume that, like me, you had a sufficiently high-stacked wall of takeaway tins to insulate yourself from the blast waves and ensuing radiation. Secondly, what are your thoughts on the way The Followship Of The Ring ends? I always found it to be a bit anticlimactic, personally. Let me know what you think. Seeing as the internet no longer exists, the best way to get in touch is to write out your thoughts in the scorched earth on the side of the crater opposite my house. Until then, it’s time for The Lord Of The Rings: The Two Towers!

2085 – I have had no human contact for years. The only living thing I have seen in the past 20 years was Wormtongue, the three-headed rat that burrowed its way into my house, two years ago, but I had to eat him last week when I finally gave up on waiting for Dominos to answer the phone. So now, I am utterly, utterly alone. It’s ok though – I know you’re all just like me – too wrapped up in the Ents’ committee meeting to get in touch!

The view from my window right now. Haha. Just joking. I wish.

2091 – I thought I just saw movement in the far distance of the barren wasteland that now lies outside my house. Is that you, trying to contact me? Anybody? Anybody at all? If you’re there, just let yourself in. You’ll just be in time for the Battle Of Helm’s Deep.

2094 – Ok, scrap that. I see now that the movement was just the beginning of a civilisation of mutated molemen rising back up to the surface of the planet. If one comes near my house, I’ll see if they want to come in and watch The Lord Of The Rings: The Return Of The King with me.

2101 – Alien spacecraft have started hovering overhead, swamping my house and its immediate surroundings in darkness, which I must admit is really helping to give this last Lord Of The Rings film a ‘cinema vibe’. The molemen have started to attack it though. It doesn’t look like their bone clubs are doing much damage against the UFOs’ vaporising guns. In other news, Andy Serkis looks so funny as the pre-Gollum Smeagol! Look at him, just happily fishing away! Tum-te-tum-te-tum! Hahaha.

2106 – Hmm, that mushroom cloud in the distance is getting bigger and bigger. I suppose it could spell inevitable death and doom for any surviving creature left on this godforsaken planet. And not a moment too soon. They’re just going through all the goodbyes at the end of Return Of The King and this bit really drags. It’s as though they just don’t know how to end the

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